Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Five Years...

It is another May 17th and I always have mixed feelings on the day. The first THREE years were very difficult ones. I was unwilling to let go of certain things, I missed the "idea," more than the person I think and I also think I was unwilling for a very long time to admit I was angry...more than angry...I was very mad! Grrrr... But, if five years ago hadn't happened, I think I'd be dead!

Five years ago I had to say goodbye to the first therapist I had ever clicked with...the therapist I had gone to under duress and had planned to lie to the minute we startde that first session in October 1999. But, there was something about him...something that told me I could trust this man and that I could be honest with him.

Three months into our sessions and soon after we moved to 2x a week session he told me he would be leaving May 2000. Marc was a doctoral intern and he was going someplace else to complete his internship. Later he told me it was Hawaii and much later I found out it was Tripler Army Medical Center and that he would be committed to the Army for four years after the internship was over. Over the last few years I also learned he went from Hawaii to Alaska to Tikrit.

One of his goal's from the start was to "reparent" me and that came with some boundary issues I didn't see then and I think even if I had I would not have cared! Here was someone who was accessible, who I could finally trust, yada, yada, yada...but in retrospect...how many therapists would call you at 11 PM out of the blue...even if they knew you were nervous about an appointment the next day? Or when they are out of town...call and check up on you? OK...I LOVED it...but I can look back now and see that while nothing was out and out unethical...we had boundary issues. I used to say that he would have loved me to death and for the people who were closest to me at the time...they agreed...after I came home from Remuda that first time and ciould actually talk about this stuff!

What I came to miss were answers to questions that I felt I HAD to have the answers to. Things he told me he was going to tell me and then never did our last session. I wanted those answers and in the last year am settled that I will never know the answers and by the time I get to heaven...I won't CARE anymore.

May 17th also became the say that started the bal rolling for me to go to Remuda the first time. Although I voluntarily agreed to be hospitalized AFTER my session with Marc...I really didn't weant to go because I HATE, HATE, HATE College Hospital! The program stinks and had clothes stolen! The program was so muc wrose than it had been 8 years before. They treated us all like we were non-functional and it was the longest 5 or 6 days of my life! Odd thing is...the Psychiatrist who had been there 8 years before was still there AND remembered me. As I struggled to try and get 800 calories in my body I came to the realization that if I didn't do something...I was dead. So, I came home when I was released and called Remuda.

Yesterday in my session with Rob I never even brought the date up. We had touched on it a couple weeks ago because I think I get myself way too keyed up for no good reason because while the day IS bittersweet...I'm good.

Tonight I have my second interview. This could again be a start to a whole new chapter of my life.

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