Thursday, November 03, 2005

Some Days...

...I wish I had an anonymous blog and I bet you do too!

I mean I know I can easily create one and all that, but hey, I started this for a reason and while I also talk about ministry stuff and will more often since I'll be working with Jr. High, the blog was created to talk about recovery stuff and the ups and downs. By and large I AM doing well...but it's like when you have some solid recovery (pretty much) under your belt, it is as if you are no longer able to struggle because others may think you are no longer in recovery.

Honestly? The last two weeks have been a HUGE down. The last few weeks really, but most of that has been insomnia which has probably compounded the rest of what's going on.

I have been really fighting the urge to cut the last two days. I cannot figure out what triggered it, but I am having a hard time fighting it. Rob was shocked when I told him I still wanted to and if I could've in his office I probably would have. Not that he'd let me. Yesterday I left the house and then stayed up until I knew I could fall asleep for a couple hours (or more...ha!). Tonight I am pretty much stuck.

I've tried all what I usually do to distract and relax about it. I ate, I took deep breaths, I prayed, I chatted on AIM (okay, not about this...but still), I read...nothing has been helping.

To top it off...not only is the urge there...I really WANT to cut. That is so hard to admit. Not just that I want to cut...but to admit I want ANYTHING...even if it is unhealthy. It was so hard to say the words, "I want..." to Rob. And you know what he does? He looks at me and says, "But you said it. You are telling me right now." HELLO!!! Just because I SAID the words didn't mean it was an easy thing to do. Then he tried to distract me by telling me I want to cut because the 49ers are starting what was their 4th string QB. Normally, that would be funny. Okay, it WAS funny...but on further review it was also rather tacky.

Rob did say I have cut myself off so much from my feelings that it's hard for me to process the whys or even identify what has triggered me. He also said the urge can't last for long. I totally agree with the first and am thinking he is full of it on the 2nd.

I keep thinking if I could just get one full night's sleep that would help soooo much. I miss my Ambien.


Da Youth Guy said...

Hey there,
I know nothing about cutting so I won't offer any "expert" advice. But as I read through the last couple entries here I see that some really good stuff is happening for you. the event you pulled off, and the small group is doing good things (and being noticed) and volunteering with the Jr High.

Don't let the bad drown out the good. I've had anxiety attacks all my life. For me part of that comes from believing deep down (even after all these years) that I'm gonna screw it up somehow. I have to fight to make sure that I enjoy the good stuff and just keep myself open to the (almost typed possibility, there's that negative sneaking in)FACT that I'm OK and some days even very darn good at what I do.
You've got friends out here who believe in you and are praying for you. Tell you what I'll pray that God drops a big load of sleep on you. LOL>

Gman said...

Praying for you. Some good stuff. Some of us have Anon blogs and it gets us in trouble as well.

Anonymous said...

hey D,
what can i say other than i'm SOOOOO proud of you. for speaking the truth, for getting it out, for stopping the silence. As we were so often told "silence only empowers the ED". I am here for you ALWAYS and for anything!!
love you girl! brenda

sevita said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you...