Wednesday, November 01, 2006


I am the first to admit I am not dealing well at all. It is surprising and yet not. Rob says it is very similiar to veteran's of wars. They may not be in constant contact, but they fought side by side with one another and when one of them is gone it does leave a hole. I emailed someone else I was at RR with to see how she was doing...she and Amy had been pretty close at the ranch. She is in just as much shock as I am about the whole thing.

There will be moments when I am okay...that I can do what I need to do, but then all of a sudden a wave of sadness comes over me. I haven't been doing a great job of expressing that sadness. If it happens when I need to be "functional," I can force myself to stop tearing up. Other times I try not to start crying because I am afraid I am not going to stop.

Monday I was working the "Boo Bomb" concert and it was a great distraction for hours! I had a couple scary moments that literally left me shaking...but I survived! I was kicked. It was truly an accident. I don't think the guy even realized he kicked me. I have a nice bruise now. I was also kinda surrounded at one point by a bunch of guys who decided that their form of "dance" was best done while touching me. That just sent me into shock more than anything. I was able to push them away and get them back in their seats...but I was literally shaking for a good 15 minutes afterward. Considering the music isn't anything I usually listen to...most of it was okay. The language didn't even get bad until Ludacris and E-40. Or at least I didn't notice it until then.

Last night was Trunk & Treat...pix to follow later. It was hard to get through. I didn't want to be there and it took me a long time to get into it. I did and it was fun and it was great because I sent post cards out to our VBS kids and a couple showed up. That was pretty cool. They are revved up for VBS 2007! That was good to hear.

Rob said something on Monday about this bringing up stuff about my mom's attempts. It really doesn't. He is missing the boat on this one. I am fine...I am safe...this isn't sending me over the deep end. That being actually brings up more of my own ideation and that maybe Amy has it right. I do know that is wrong...100%. But it does go through my head that if someone who had so much going for her can check out...why do I keep going?

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...

Hey girl. You're in my prayers!