Friday, November 03, 2006

Have I Hit Numb?

I am trying not to berate myself for being/feeling anything about Amy's suicide. But it is hard. I keep telling myself that today is the day I snap out of it...that I stop feeling whatever it is that I am feeling and DO something.

Work is getting done...but barely. It's not like she is the first person I have known that has died. She may be the first person that I know who has committed suicide, but I have known others who have tried (and failed) and that includes my mom's three attempts.

I keep thinking I have to be over reacting. I keep thinking that my relationship with Amy really does not give me permission to want to just lay in my bed or on the couch and do nothing. I can hear Rob's voice telling me that I am trying to minimize my feelings. He's probably right, but I think it keeps me from hitting the bottom of the pit I have been in long before I got the news about Amy.

Yesterday I broke down and bought a 12 pack of Boost. They will probably rot in the fridge in my office...but I thought I should at least make an effort. Yesterday I had a Pepsi at work and then came home and had two graham crackers and a glass of non-fat milk. I meet Toni for lunch today and I think we are going to have a showdown for the first time. I don't want food. I have no desire to eat at all. Give me coffee and I'm good.

I sat in Rob's office yesterday and couldn't say much. He asked me where I was stuck with all this? If he doesn't know then what is the point? I have been tempted to cancel next week so I could simply give in to everything and not have to deal with it for a week. It will just make it worse.

I think I am beyond tears at this point. I haven't allowed myself to cry and I can almost feel a physical wall in my being where all of the pain and sadness is pent up. Rob and I talked about how cutting will not help me cope with this in the big picture. There are moments that I simply do not care. I care enough that I have refrained...but my resolve is fading.

Working last night was good. Tonight and tomorrow will good as well.

My mom is so easy to fool. Isn't is sad I feel I have to do that? She asked me what I had to eat at work last night and I told her a burrito. I bought my Pepsi where they SELL the burritosI smelled the food...but who can eat a whole burrito in less than 15 minutes hen they are piping hot?

I figure I have a ton of weight to lose before I even hit the top of my I have nothing to worry about for a long time!


Dreaming again said...

You're not over reacting, you are minimalizing your feelings ...

It IS that hard for those of us left behind ...

one of the reasons I realized that I had to share with you just what I went through with my Dad ... rather than just cut off our relationship a few years ago.

I couldn't bear to loose yet another friend in this manner.


The Thief said...

I think I'm the one who could eat the burrito in 15 minutes even though it's piping hot. I eat way too fast.

I hope you're in a better place this weekend.