Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Latest & Greatest

It’s been forever since I blogged. Not that there hasn’t been a lot going on…I guess I just don’t have words for all of it.

I still can’t explain how I just “snapped out” of the mood I was on after Amy’s suicide. It still seems very strange. I’m not complaining…but it is a little weird. It almost scares me. No…it actually does scare me. It seems so fragile…that is I do on thing “wrong” it is going to send me spiraling back down.

Thanksgiving went off really well. It was pretty much drama free and the Good Eats Roast Turkey again turned out great. My grandfather’s sister was back here from Hawaii and that was neat. I know my grandmother felt a little left out part of the day because my grandpa and his sister were talking about stuff she had no idea about but after years and years and YEARS of fights…I’ll take her being only a little annoyed.

I want to hold on to the “snapped out of it” because this is the first Christmas since 2000 I am kind of enjoying. Not that I have ever lost sight of what Christmas really means and the joy of that meaning has been under the surface each year, but I have really had a hard time with the “fun” aspects of the holiday. The stuff that makes kids smile and all that mushy, sentimental gook that we love so much. I have had a good time Christmas shopping and planning my baking between HP events.

We are about two weeks short of the 3rd anniversary of my mom’s last suicide attempt. I thought about that today. I try not to because I feel like any tip of the scales is going to send me crashing again, but there it is. I can’t say that she’s better off than she was three years ago and that is not a happy thought. I still worry (a lot) at times that she is just going to give up. That is a huge problem.

If you asked me what the biggest stride I have made with Rob lately it would be that I can finally say out loud that I am perplexed that my mother can make it through the day. I feel bad about saying it, but it really is the truth. I am not sure how much of it is manipulation because she lived without me for 16 years when I lived in SoCal and Indiana, but I think I’m on to something. It’s soooo hard because she is 60 years old, trying to find a job with almost no skills. She has really fallen into most of her jobs and I am guessing, since she couldn’t even get on at Target, that she doesn’t interview well. She can’t use a computer, can’t work a cash register, etc. Oh…the fact that she can’t tell the difference between potato salad with onions and without onions (all you had to do was open the covered bowl and SMELL the difference) makes me question her intelligence.

I still haven’t quite dug myself out 100% of the hole I got in with food last month. It’s better and my appetite is slowly coming back (and I was sick for a good 2 weeks as well) and I am even listening at times, but it’s really hard. Toni and I are going to talk about menu planning on Friday. As much as I LOVE her little boy, I am glad he won’t be coming. We’ll get so much more done! One thing I am really realizing is I need structure. Working at The HPP helps with that structure since I know I need to eat before I go and stay hydrated. I ended up in First Aid again last week. They moved me into a new position (a lower aisle…woo hoo!!!) and the anxiety/excitement of it all caused me to almost throw up…again. I would have been fine, but an EMT saw me as he was making his rounds around the building.

I look at my RLP meal card and it still seems like so much food. I think the one meal a day I do eat is a lot of food so to almost triple it…ack! But, this is the last thing behavior wise I need to tackle. I haven’t purged in 26 months or cut in 25. Heck, it’s been almost two weeks since I have felt like doing either and that is a new feeling. There is still a ton of work to do on the emotional side. But if I can get myself to eat a little more each week, it will go a long way in helping me do the work I need to do…no matter how much that scares the daylights out of me.


Friar Tuck said...

COngrats on the progress in your life. And, the fact that you feel a little bad and still are coping well is another great sign of positive momentum.

Good job.

Dreaming again said...

sigh ...moms ...

glad you're doing better.

you're still in my prayers though.

always will be


Anonymous said...

Enjoy the good moments and build on them! You remain in my prayers as well. Like a faith journey it's one step at a time.


The Thief said...

You rule. I'm glad that there have been positives. You deserve it!