Thursday, November 02, 2006

I am trying to determine if I would feel like this had Amy died directly as a result from the ED. You know heart attack, body just shutting down, etc. I am thinking yes. I knew her. I have a CD she made me the last time I was at LIFE. I have cards and letters with her writing on it. I thought I had more pix of us. I know I have some from our RR Reunion in 2001...but I can't find them. I thought I had more from 2000...but I can't find those either.

I think I had a good two hours of functionality yesterday before I simply lost interest. Then I had a dinner to go to last night and even though I hadn't had anything to eat all day...I gained a ^$$##^$ 1/2 pound! I am not amused.

Crying is an issue. I won't allow myself much more than 30 seconds or so every few hours when I can no longer hold them back.

I haven't purged and I haven't cut since all this happened. Most of it is fear of Rob...but if that works then I am fine with that fear. I haven't thrown up at all, but it is hard to keep food down period. I was driving home after dinner last night and thought I was going to have to pull over.

I really don't even ask why because I get it. Getting it is probably not a good thing...but I do get it.

Thanksgiving is in three weeks and I don't want to cook...let alone eat any of it.

I am so thankful for my 2nd job. It helps a lot. It will be very distracting. I can pour all my energy into our guests and that's what they ask us to do...leave everything else at the door when we walk in.

I still plan on posting pix of Trunk & Treat. I was having problems uploading yesterday. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

I need to go pick up actual prints so I can do the bulletin board at church tomorrow (or today) and I think I need to break down and buy either Ensure or Boost. The calories scare me (how can so many calories be in such a little can/bottle?), but liquid is easier than solids. This is one time I am glad that I have PCOS. If I could lose weight like a normal person...I'd probably be in trouble.

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...

((((((((((((( D ))))))))))))))

I wish I had the words to offer you ... I don't.

All I can say is that I love you, I wish you weren't going through this ... and I'm praying very desperately that it doesn't trigger thoughts for you ...