Monday, November 06, 2006

Just my ramblings from the past few days…

I need to snap out of this. I need to focus; I need to concentrate on “my” kids. I need to get ready for Biblemaniacs, Turkey Day, Advent and doing more Children’s Messages while my SP is gone. I need to focus on the Youth Group newsletter and the team of kids that will be putting it together. I have Jr. High girls that actually LIKE me and I need to focus on them and help them get ready to teach on the 12th. I need to be ready to back up Tom on the 19th. I have hockey games and concerts to work…guests to help whenever needed. I need to simply keep in mind that life goes on.

It is times like this I miss Marc. I miss it being more than OK to just sit on the couch for an hour and not say a word. Not that I ever did that…but the option was there. Right now I am fighting the urge to pick a fight with Rob to give me an excuse to walk away. Walking away would make some stuff null and void. I see this as a good thing. I did email him that little piece of info. Not that I heard anything back. I don’t know why I bother. If I could hop on a flight to Holland, MI and he’d see me…I’d be there. But that’s not going to happen so I need to just keep my mouth shut when I want to find some lame-o excuse to pounce on something Rob has said and twist it for my own use. I have a small arsenal stuff I can use now…but I still have enough sanity to not use it.

Seriously though, it has been a week. I found out a week ago today. I have had seven days to let it sink in, wallow a bit and now I need to push it aside.

My biggest problem is the food issue. That took off like a rocket and I am having trouble stopping it. I have no appetite, I feel sick eating more than a couple graham crackers with some non-fat milk or some popcorn. I am throwing food out and putting dishes in the drain board so it looks as if I have eaten. I told Toni I would try and eat and I am not sure if I lied or not. I have only dropped about 4 pounds this last week and that is no big deal in the scheme of what a cow I am, so I am not worried about it. I think I am probably eating a comfy 300-500 calories a day. I am pretty much golden until Thanksgiving.

I still haven’t self-harmed. Obviously I haven’t purged. Rob says neither of them are good coping mechanisms. They seem to be all I have and yet I refrain.

Rob says I can’t truly be numb…there is no such thing. So, that leaves me with nothing to say to him. He told me today that if I am still I this realm (Amy’s death) we can pick up there Thursday. Ummm…OK. I truly believe I could be holding a gun at my head and let him know and he still wouldn’t be taking me seriously. I know a lot of it is my fault. I don’t know what I need/want from him and he can’t read my mind. He tells me it makes sense that I am still like this. He agrees that as much as I want to snap out of it, it is not going to happen that way. However, could use some help in knowing how to even work through this.

I almost purged last night. In fact, I had my fingers down my throat. I couldn’t. After 25 months of no purging…I couldn’t do it. I am guessing had I not had to worry about bring found out I could have. But, my mom was still awake and so it didn’t happen. I then debated cutting. I have a welt on my arm, but I didn’t do anything.

I honestly don’t know what I am feeling anymore. If I had to actually use a word it would be dead. Except for the occasion of a sudden burst of sadness…I feel absolutely dead inside. That should scare me, but it doesn’t. If Rob is unconcerned than there is no reason for me to be concerned.

My dietitian asked me if I felt any guilt. I don’t. In hindsight, having Jars of Clay’s “Work” on her MySpace makes sense given what has happened. But, before Amy’s suicide it meant nothing when I saw it here. In fact, it may be on MY MySpace.

The Spanish speaking part of our congregation sells tamales each year. This year I actually could spend the $$ for a dozen of them and not sweat it out. This is sad because they were only $20. Anyway, I got them yesterday and they were finally something I WANTED. My mom made me take ½ of them to my grandparents. I know it’s not a huge deal…but I don’t want to eat and the fact that I was willingly eating them should have been a clue. Then again, this is my mom and I could weight 80 pounds and she’d still not get it.

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