Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Seven Years Part 2

The whole seven years since I went to RR has really been on my mind. The anniversary date comes each year and the last few years I have noted it and then gone on with my life. This year has been very different.

I am not sure if it is partially because of the loss of Amy last October, where I am ED wise, where I am therapy wise (which is a good yet very scary place) or even just reconnecting with one of the Equine Therapy team. That was a true blessing last week!

It wasn't truly my intention to go there in therapy yesterday because Rob and I already knew what the agenda was for the day. However, I am truly thankful that he didn't force the issue and let me talk about this. I told him that obviously it was not all fun and games, but when most of my memories have to do with the truly fun/good times that we had there. Rob said it made sense and it really makes sense because during that time the people there were probably more of a family than I ever had.

I still miss Paula and am sorry my move to West Lafayette forever ago meant the end of our friendship. That was so sad because she originally wanted me to move near her and her husband, but the reality of it was something she couldn't handle I guess. The odd thing is, if she ever wanted to email me...my email addy hasn't changed.

Lately I want to know what happened to the women I was there with in 2000. Did we lose more than Amy? Who is doing really well? Who is doing not so well? There are still those I do have contact with or have just reconnected with...but I want to know MORE!

Seeing Miss Annie post on MySpace was awesome! When I first got there I didn't want to ride a horse. Each time before RR was a bit of a mess. As time went on (okay, as soon as I rode for the first time) I really took to it and Annie was a big part of that. Faith, the Equine therapist, and Brad (who taught me to saddle a horse) were also a huge part of it all...but Annie was the first person I worked with because Faith was on vacation.

RR has changed a TON over the last seven years and I hope I never have to go back so this isn't a I am dying to go back to RR and will do anything I can to get there type thing. I think some of it is missing that connection and community. I think some of it is heading to PYT and being 100% alone this time around. Last time I knew one SGL and one Adult Advisor and then another friend me up with us for dinner one night. This year I am going into it 100% alone. I know, I know...not really alone...but alone from the humans I know standpoint! I am more introverted than I appear and some of my childhood shyness (before I became a Theater Geek) still pops up. I know I will be fine when I am with all 200+ leaders at orientation, but I am a little nervous.

One of my friends that I have been in pretty solid contact (minus a few patches here and there) with, Jessica, said to me before I left for RLP that the times she saw me most happy and most relaxed was on the back of a horse. When I look back she was 100% correct. I can't, even now, truly describe how re;axed I felt talking to friends on a trail ride or how free I felt with Sam cantering around the ring when we did a much slower version of a barrel race.

The odd thing is, it's not like I don't have a community. But, with the exception of PK, it is all online and I have pretty much made myself scarce. PK is online as well...but at least we talk every now and then AND we have known one another for over 7 years. My RT needs work. I am single, I am 37 and have NOTHING much in common with the women here at church that are married and have kids. During VBS a group of us were talking and I was able to share some kind of painful stuff and it was received well (it wasn't about me...it was my mom's suicide stuff and can't remember how we even got to that topic) and it felt amazing, but that was a pocket in time.

Not that community is easy. There was one young woman, Noelle, that drove me nuts. I am not sure what got to me. I think some of it was her fairly open rebelliousness and the fact that she had no qualms in teaching others how to be non-compliant and not get caught. She was 19...I was 30. It bugged the heck out of me that she would allow her parents to pay a "zillion" dollars for treatment and yet do these things. We went head to head a lot. We would almost race to new admits to get them to our "side." It was a huge motivator for me to be in charge of Big Sisters/Little Sisters when Amy K. went home. But, I absolutely loved her. Noelle was (still is I am sure) Mormon, but was really open to hear from those of us who were not. She fell in love with the worship music (which her friends didn't understand when she got home) and learned to play stuff on the guitar. I finally got her though! She applied to move up a level and my challenge to her was to no longer have a plastic cup on the table at meals. This is where she hid her butter and bits of food here and there. I have to hand it to her...she hated it, but she came through!

I wrote a letter to her during my family week explaining why I did what I did and it wasn't because I didn't like her...it was because I did. I can't find the letter she wrote me back, but she got it. She understood why and said she was even glad there was someone pushing her. I lost contact with her about 5 years ago.

I could go on and on and on, but I need to get stuff done before I leave for Indiana on Sunday!

1 comment:

Mel said...

Side note- Ok, if you went to Remuda 7 years ago, then I've 'known' you for over 7 years because I remember the post on the listserve about that with your address and wondering if I should write you. Well, I should have, but that's a whole nother thing. Sorry I can't be out there with you this week :(