I %$^&%$# can't even walk up a flight of stairs without almost passing out! But, I still maintain as long as my labs are fine then it's all a figment of my imagination and I can push through it. Plus, I have the voice reminding me what will happen if I dare to eat.

Have no clue what therapy is going to be like tomorrow. I haven't emailed him a bunch...a couple short ones with this link and one I sent to both him and Toni about eating the damn piece of pizza and being in pain and wanting to still purge, etc. I don't think I have even called which is so not like me. Okay, I admit I am hurt by what he said Thursday, but it's not like I didn't know that he couldn't read all my emails...I guess I just chose to ignore it. It finally sunk in...but as I said here on Thursday...or maybe it was an email to him...anyway...I told him letting me email would be a bad idea...now I am making myself pay for being an idiot as usual. Maybe I should get a new tattoo with "LOSER" on my forehead...would make a great conversation piece.

Maybe this self-moratorium of "no emails" is the best possible thing I could have done...with this outlet...and here again is the problem...I have this...if I do the blog thing than the feelings are pretty much gone...well buried anyway...and then maybe I STILL won't be able to be really open with him.

I know...I know...why do I bother going to see Rob or Toni in the first place? I have thought a lot about that and today I figured it out. As much as I just want to disappear...there is a small part of me that still wants to fight...sooner or later either that part will get stronger OR I will die. I am not sure how much hope I hold out for the former...but until the latter happens, there is still a chance for me.