Going to try and make this quick. Darn it! I almost really starting crying with Rob today...you'd think after last night's stuff that I would be all ready to with no problems. Mary saw me cry. Not to mention the fact that she tried to get me to eat a bit of roast beef from a Togo's sandwich. I couldn't. I was so hungry, but I was too scared to try. While a bunch of people saw what happened yesterday...or what could have happened had I not decided to "hold the wall up," no one saw me stand up and fall down when I was alone. So, I pretty much melted down last night...but before youth group ended...kinda of just shut off.

So, I tell this to Rob, who doesn't say much. I told him when the last time I had food and how I wanted to get rid of the pizza aand salad two hours after eating...but would have been wasted effort...I think he was glad I didn't purge. So, I take his lack of "whatever" to mean he doesn't think I need to eat either because I am an elephant. I'd better stop mentioning any off the food stuff to him until some of this changes because right now I am choosing to let "ED" win these fights and that won't be good because I can see down the line of my thinking and it won't help.

Hey...but after all that emotion and no food I dropped 2 pounds this weekend so I keep think why should I start eating now? Rob doesn't seem to think I need food, I sure as heck don't want it much myself and well...if I find a way around my almost passing out...it'll be good. Or I'll be dead...

Which was where our session was heading until I backed off and just couldn't go there. My fault as usual...it takes me too long to get where I need to go because even if I walk in ready...my job, sports, etc. take over. I used to do it to Greg as well...but he usually shut me up after about 5-10 minutes. Anyway, he had asked me a question about punishing myself or whatever...I gave some answer and thought he would follow it up with "Why?" Which would have been a great lead-in...but that didn't happen. So, then after he got some other stuff out of me...he asked me what I was thinking. All I could tell him was that it wasn't good. I tried...the harder I tried to argue with myself the worse it got and I couldn't do it. Then there was the inevitable, "What do you think would happen if you did share?" I have NO clue and not sure I want to find out. He already told me a few months ago that he wouldn't just "toss me into a hospital" as I have been threatened with before...but I guess I figure since these feelings aren't new and in February (I think...may end of January) we talked about it a little after I was okay...that to bring it up again has got to be annoying and if I meant it I would shut about it and do it. Okay, not a good thing to put thoughts in HIS head (he is a lot better and arguing with me all by himself then me coming close to ever knowing what is going through his head...probably a good thing), but I think there is truth to it.

Anyway, my 72 hour no food thing ends tonight...and I am debating the additonal 24 hours for people seeing me dizzy rule I added yesterday before people saw me. It'd be 48, but I was okay until I got to my car after seeing Rob...then I had to sit there for like 10 minutes so I could drive.