Another morning and I woke up...still the mixed feelings about it.

After John's volleyball game (John is a Soph. in my YG) I came back to the office to check email, IM's with Birkey for a bit and went home. After uncontrollably crying for almost two hours, out came the blade and I hacked away at my stomach. My arms are so scarred now it's not funny...so that is pretty much the last place I have left to cut...and ample space in which to do it. At least I can say I didn't purge! Of course, I had a whopping 38 calories yesterday so what's to purge?

So, I woke up to my normal routine...get up, weigh myself, get ready and head here. I had started to read "The Purpose Driven Life" but it has disappeared from my office...which is plain weird...so I'll do some reading after this and send the kids my little devo for the day.

My mind is absolutely spinning right now. I hate to face Toni today because I made food goal exactly ZERO times. However, I did stick to the stepping down of the diet pills and that's a good thing.

My mind keeps going over and over and over yesterday's session and the complete idiot I made of myself in there. It's easy here to say I should just answer the question of how I am because by and large it hasn't changed. I want to disappear...control & disappearing...the two things that I "get" from the ED. That and wrist bones, collarbones, etc. I have this cool bracelet a friend sent me just over a year ago and it used to fit around my wrist...not anymore. My watch either.

I wish I could put a name to what I described yesterday as this huge ball of emotional pain that I want to purge out or cut out when it comes. I don't know...all I know about it is that it hurts and I want it out and I want it out now...but I don't know why it's there or what is causing it (specifically).

Some of it comes from yesterday...I just feel like I said some very wrong things yesterday or not in the right ways and it's taking whatever strength I have NOT to call Rob and just blurt it all out. I know I emailed too much...I warned him when he gave me his email that I could become way too dependent on the written word and I was right. If he's told me once, he's told me a thousand times that he can't always read all of them...you think it would have sunk in by now...well it has now and no more calls, no more email until I can use them properly. Not his stance...mine. But yeah, it hurts a little to know that while some of it was just fluff stuff...some of it well...it keeps me safe and I think I am the only one who cares about keeping me safe.

The Internet can be a dangerous tool. I was able to go online and figure out the highest dose of my sleeping meds someone could take and still more than likely live without damage. Then I figured it would take me 6 months to get enough to possibly do the job since I am pretty sensitive to the meds anyway. I like my MD...but he handed over a new prescription this week no questions asked...I probably could have gotten him to give me 10 mg. pills instead of 5.

How I am able to function with the kids and my leaders is a gift from God because while a couple of the leaders know what's up...no one knows 100% how I am truly doing. Tonight we will play Laser Tag and I will have fun...we will go for pizza and I'll get a salad...tomorrow I will go see Ben play hockey and go from there to Lindsay's play...and I will love every minute of it.

I watch my kids and I thank God for them and their families. I know from time to time they all have their complaints about each other..."typical" growing up stuff...but I watch Tricia sit on her dad's lap, Drew come over (he's in 6th grade) and kiss his mom & dad on the cheek before he moves up to the balcony for worship, The Lee's wanting God's best in the area of relationships with boys...and I know they all make mistakes because no one is perfect and I am not saying these kids will NOT run into some heavy problems...but if they do they are going to have parent's who will come alongside them and love them...NOT compete with them, NOT blame a guy leaving the house the other day on me, NOT think the answer to everything is food...etc., etc.

I was reading the 2nd chapter of PDL which was aptly named, "You are NOT an Accident." I strugglewith that a lot. What Rick Warren said in his book made sense and was very encouraging...but I wonder if there will ever be a day I won't feel like I am one and need to be taken off this earth to set things right.