Okay...

Therapy today...augh! Another one of those, "How are we doing? What is working and what isn't working for you? I know you fear ME terminating you, but at times I wonder of you will call and say you won't be coming back. I do get frustrated because you know that I know that you are feeling awful about yourself but we talk around it" sessions. I hate them, we do them way too often, but I blame myself for that. I am not exactly big chat girl unless it's sports, youth group, the Oscars, Jars of Clay...anything so I don't hear the question I don't know HOW to answer which is how I am doing...but we pushed through some of the B.S. today and really talked about it. At least as much as I was able.

Like I said in the intro...it has always been about the control. Have I "enjoyed" the benefit of losing weight? As I sit here in my cute Old Navt T-shirt and my Tommy Hilfger denim skirt...I would be lying if I said no. Of course, it gets to that point...the point where the ONLY point of eating and purging (I don't binge) or staying under 500 calories a day is because I WANT to get out of ED-NOS hell and be the anorexic my heart "longs" for. To starve myself into numbness, to subsisting and eventually dying. I sure as heck don't want to be bulimic (don't ask...I may be a bit overweight...but tests show I full on have the anorexic mind set) and I am afraid if I do eat....besides living...I'll turn into a Compulsive Overeater.

NONE of this makes sense in light of my profession, my faith and how I know I can be...but there we have it. Dying the slow way while at the same time praying that I find a way to live and be what God wants me to be...not what the ED Voice (whatever that is) says I am.

Today, I actually said the words. If I show emotion in our sessions...I HAVE to be punished. It's what I grew up with...it's what I KNOW...it's what I let go of for a brief time and I liked it...it was scary...but I liked it...now it seems like I can never get it back...that I have used up all my chances for recovery...that no matter how hard I try and fight and eat and talk and do all the things I am supposed to do...it's too late for me. My mom is convinced it is going to kill me, I had a therapist once tell me I should pray and see if this is God's will I die this way...and she was a "Christian" therapist.

Food...hate it/like it/hate it/am scared of it...had the therapist I saw before Rob (the week before actually) tell me that I shouldn't worry about eating because I don't need to force calories. Which translates into, "You are a beached whale and you can go a long time without having to eat." So, that had fed into this whole thing because bozo he may be...but because he is a therapist...he "must" know what he is talking about and I should pay attention. Yeah...like that makes a whole lot of sense...but welcome to my world. I must have a problem with authority in the REVERSE order. Therapist said it, it must be true.

The other side of that one is the "good" stuff I have heard stays in my mind...but doesn't overpower the other stuff. I had a therapist tell me about 3 1/2 years ago he wished I could see what he does when he looks at me. I remember I wanted to cling to every word and remember it because even if I didn't believe him at the time...I knew he meant it and wasn't just saying it to make me "whatever:" happy, less sad, less suicidal...I dunno. But, he told me I was passionate and beautiful (he was deluded on that one) and I couldn't drink in the rest...I have no idea. I think it sticks not because I believe it (okay...passionate about my job and working with kids/youth), but because the intensity in his voice that day.

I can't believe I said all this.

Sometimes I don't think Rob thinks I am serious when I talk about suicidal feelings. But, they are there and they are getting harder to push away. I think the way I choose to fight them is the eating disorder. It's a slow suicide they say. Slow enough that if I can ever DO anything I should be doing in therapy...I have time to reverse it all. There is an end of this one way or another.

My bloodwork came back fine as usual so I am NOT malnourished, the dizzy spells and fatigue are all in my head I guess and sometimes I feel like this isn't real. This is some game I can stop any time I want. Fourteen years later and I can't...at least not for longer than a few months...but when tests come back okay...how can what I am doing be wrong?