This wasn't going to be an everyday thing, but I left the ticket and directions to Lindsay's play here at the office. DUH! I am so dumb...at least I have it now.

I slept until 9:30 this morning...I woke up a few times...but pretty much stayed asleep and yet I am still really tired and if this wasn't going to be the only shot at seeing Ben play hockey, I would skip it and sleep until I had to leave for the play.

I was truly convinced that what I ate last night was going to make me gain weight...it didn't...which blows my mind and I am not sure what to think. other than my jeans and khaki's are too big now, but I really can't replace them. They are wearable so as long as they are I can deal.

One thing I am finding is that I am isloating more...give a half dozen people this site address so they can look if they want, but I don't have to know...not letting Kim know I am going to the kids' plays and stuff so I can go alone, not returning calls, etc. I'm split somewhere between hating it and loving it. Sometimes I think the YS Forum is my only link to the outside world...and even at that I almost want to disappear from there again. No one really notices if I am there or not...until I go whining about my failure to get my ED act together. It was like this 3 years ago and in some ways it doesn't bother me. Work, youth and three appointments a week is about all I CAN handle right now...but to have to be all "social butterfly," is just not something I am up to anymore.

When I first got home from Remuda, Switchfoot has just released the "Learning to Breathe" single. With the new CD out, they are playing it a lot again lately. I still love the song and it meant so much to me those first few months and was something I was living. Gosh...I sound like "Ally McBeal." I never watched it every week (save for when Robert Downey, Jr. was on), but Tracy Ulman played a therapist who saw both Ally and John Cage. I guess they were supposed to come up with their own "theme song" for their life. But, I guess we all kind of do that...part of the reason why music is so powerful. You hear a certain song and it evokes memories, emotions, etc. I hear Jars' "Hand"and I think of Marc Houck, I hear "Evidence of God," "Fly" (Sugar Ray) and other pop music from summer 1997 and I remember the summer I was Program Director at Laurel Pines, etc.

"Learning to Breathe" was what I was doing when I got home. I remember thinking that feeling was such a scary thing...but so worth it. I remember thinking that I was WORTH fighting for when the first T I saw after coming home from Remuda was not a good fit...probably wasn't before...but I was in such a holding pattern before I went I didn't care.

Don't know what song I would apply to my life right now. Not sure there is one.

"Only then will something as harmless as a slice of pizza feel safe and okay." Got that as an email back from Toni. I get to write down what good 'ol ED says when/if I eat. It had a field day with the pizza last night.

How can pizza be okay? This is how I ended the email to her: "Feeling what bones I can feel right now is so...I don’t know...comforting...reassuring me that I am disappearing...but I need to do more...they aren’t visible enough under all this fat."

As much as I want to die...I know there is more...but each day I am getting more and more tired and less and less motivated to fight for the "more." I know I have to do it myself (well...not completely...you know what I mean)...but I can't figure out the "why."