Just when I think Rob cannot say anything else or do anything else that would cause me to trust him more...he does.
Yesterday was...well...weird. I sat down and grabbed Frederick off the couch. Took the throw off the other couch and wrapped around my feet and we talked sports a minute. We then moved to a VM I left him. I forgot about it. Once he started to talk about it it dawned on me and we talked stuff out. It was good.
Then I sat there and debated where to go next. Do I read stuff from the kinda journal I keep that brings up a ton of shame and embrassment or do I take out the body image yarn that Betsy had me do at LIFE and explain to him that I can't accept my body where it is out because what I see is so distorted! The yarn won out. We talked about it...still doesn't think he quite gets it. Then there was silence.
I wasn't ready to read it. The rest of it is no problem...but there is a paragraph in there that I can't bear to read. The deal is either I read stuff out loud or he does. I was hoping this ONE time he would just read it and let us go on from there...no such luck.
So, I went to a different place. I told him that Thursday, when we said I looked relieved after doing some more crying, I thought about it a lot. I realized over the weekend that those tears on Thursday was the FIRST time I had ever cried about the molestation. I never had before. Kinda weird...I think. I think I stunned him a little. He knows I hate to cry and that I think it shows weakness...but considering that was 22 years ago...I think he was shocked it took that long for it to happen.
I think he figured that whatever I have to read would bring the tears. He looked at me and told me that he needs me to know that he honors my tears more than I can ever know and that he wanst the same for me. He told me it was OK that I couldn't read and that we'll try again Thursday if I am ready for it. He wanted me to leave there and be OK with not reading it.
I have probably cried more in there in the past three weeks than I have in the almost two years that I have been seeing him. I still hate it...I still hate me when I allow it to happen...but I am trying to let Rob's words sink in.
Yesterday was...well...weird. I sat down and grabbed Frederick off the couch. Took the throw off the other couch and wrapped around my feet and we talked sports a minute. We then moved to a VM I left him. I forgot about it. Once he started to talk about it it dawned on me and we talked stuff out. It was good.
Then I sat there and debated where to go next. Do I read stuff from the kinda journal I keep that brings up a ton of shame and embrassment or do I take out the body image yarn that Betsy had me do at LIFE and explain to him that I can't accept my body where it is out because what I see is so distorted! The yarn won out. We talked about it...still doesn't think he quite gets it. Then there was silence.
I wasn't ready to read it. The rest of it is no problem...but there is a paragraph in there that I can't bear to read. The deal is either I read stuff out loud or he does. I was hoping this ONE time he would just read it and let us go on from there...no such luck.
So, I went to a different place. I told him that Thursday, when we said I looked relieved after doing some more crying, I thought about it a lot. I realized over the weekend that those tears on Thursday was the FIRST time I had ever cried about the molestation. I never had before. Kinda weird...I think. I think I stunned him a little. He knows I hate to cry and that I think it shows weakness...but considering that was 22 years ago...I think he was shocked it took that long for it to happen.
I think he figured that whatever I have to read would bring the tears. He looked at me and told me that he needs me to know that he honors my tears more than I can ever know and that he wanst the same for me. He told me it was OK that I couldn't read and that we'll try again Thursday if I am ready for it. He wanted me to leave there and be OK with not reading it.
I have probably cried more in there in the past three weeks than I have in the almost two years that I have been seeing him. I still hate it...I still hate me when I allow it to happen...but I am trying to let Rob's words sink in.
1 comment:
Rob is not the only one to honor your tears.
Psa 56:8 Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: [are they] not in thy book?
Psa 126 [[A Song of degrees.]] When the LORD turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.
Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them.
The LORD hath done great things for us; [whereof] we are glad.
Turn again our captivity, O LORD, as the streams in the south.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves [with him].
Rev 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
We live in a fallen, broken world. But we won't always.
Hang in there, for so long to seemed that you were keeping your head above water, now you are moving forward.
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