Sunday, October 24, 2004


Contented sigh? Resigned sigh? What the ^#@%^$ am I doing sigh? Probably all three.

Yesterday, my friend Kim and I went to Great America for their Fall Celebration. It was cold, it was rainy...but would not miss the chance to see The Newsboys for anything! They were wonderful and wish they would have played for another least! I'll try and post pix later if they look OK.

I wish I could say it took my mind of tomorrow and what I feel is almost a waste. I don't know what to say to Rob to show that I AM motivated...just struggling. I guess that's what I need to say.

The Monday I forgot all of the previous Thursday, I ended up calling him later because it all came back to me as the lights were going down at the movies. He never responded. What he told me the next time I saw him was that he almost emailed with this simple sentence: "Do you ever struggle?" That would have driven me nuts...but he has a point. He explained to me that I come through that door and he'd never know what was going inside because I seem so "together" when I walk in. I told him Greg used to tell me the same thing. As I think about it, Marc is probably the only T that has seen me walk in and not be all up and happy.

I think I left my notebook at home and if my mom reads it I will die...literally. How could I be so stupid? I thought I had it with me!

Anyway, even amidst some awesomr worship with the Newsboys...I was close to tears and not feeling alone because God's presence was so there...but feeling apart from it I didn't belong.

I have no clue what to expect tomorrow. I want to be able to read to him all that I am feeling and all that I want and yet am so scared. I know he is not the ONLY therapist in the world...but if this is's over. I won't do this again. I can't. I don't have it in me.

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