Friday, October 22, 2004

Cut Off...

motivation

n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives" [syn: motive, need] 2: the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level" 3: the act of motivating; providing incentive [syn: motivating]

I guess I have none. Actually, I think I do...it is just hidden under my mood that has been spiraling down since June. But, Rob has had enough.

I've been engaging in a behavior and, until yesterday, kept it from him. I feel like I "need" it and that he is trying to take it away and so I have kept quiet for the past week. He finally asked me point blank (because he forgot to Monday) and I couldn't lie. So I told him...all of it. Well...except the part about me doing it so I don't feel totally dead inside...but that will come on Monday.

He was understandably angry and part of me is thinking, "FINALLY! He is coming right out with how much I am frustrating him." Of course, I wasn't counting on him telling me no phone calls or email...no contact until I see him on Monday and tell him "where I am at."

So, I am working on it. I am writing whenever thoughts come to me...even if they don't totally answer the question or are just huge tangents.

Maybe it's not worth it...I'm not worth it...maybe I should have just quietly exited last year...

3 comments:

Cliff said...

No. You're wrong.

You are

absolutely

positively

definitely

unquestionably

completely

entirely

and utterly

worth it.

Never let yourself tell yourself otherwise.

johnybarbosa said...

I don't know what the situation is, but I want to let you know that I will be praying for you.

Johny B

Anonymous said...

I hope you can hear this. You are so worth it. Praying for you!