Friday, October 01, 2004

Deep, Dark, Black Hole...

I am not sure where I am going with this. I consciously do not feel like I wake up and choose to hate myself, to feel unloveable, etc. I feel like I wake up and there it is.

Yesterday was a really lousy session. He told me I wasn't trying to change, that I am continuing to choose to believe lies (does he NOT get that I have no idea what is the truth?) and it finally got to a point where I am sitting on the floor on one end of the couch clutching Frederick and he is on the floor on the other side his body turned away from me and totally exasperated.

Once I found some words again and he started giving got better, but I am so confused. He told me he thinks that I am trying to make a huge switch from being all bad to being all good. I told him for the zillionth time that I know I can't be all good. I am beginning to think he doesn't think I truly believe it.

What I am beginning to understand is that God given, people given...whatever...I am having a very, very, VERY difficult time accepting that there is any good there. my saner moments I know that there has to be otherwise I'd be totally alone...but I still can't get my head around that my family would PURPOSELY lie to me. Rob keeps reminding me that it shows how sick they were/are...I still have my doubts.

I am not looking forward to Monday. Right now I don't care if he says that he isn't mad at me...that he is acting like a coach trying to push me to the next level...he was mad at me yesterday...he was frustrated and had no patience with me and that's OK if he tells me that...but he didn't and I bet that means he had another run-in with the same person who put him in a "mood" the last time this happened.

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