Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Oriental Trading Company and Other "Stuff"

So, I order some dog tags from OTC for the giveaways for October. Shipping cost more than the items! How lame is that?? Oh well...they will appeal to both the boys and girls and that is the important thing!

I need to go look at Bibles at Berean. We need to make sure the kids have them this month. I have not been able to find the 4-5 I need and I may have to order them elsewhere. I don't have the $$ to do it...but such is ministry!

Other than that things are kinda "eh." Not really looking forward to seeing Rob. I know I keep saying it...but it's not him as much as I am sick of feeling feelings in there with him. He made the comment Monday about being vulnerable is scary and I said yes. he allowed me to sit there for a few more minutes so I could walk out of his office in OK shape. He gaveme the usual big bear hug before I left. There are days I just like it and other days where it's like Jesus giving me a hug through's weird and hard to explain but some hugs seem more "special."

As we go through what I sent him paragraph by paragraph it is going to be hard work. I do not shy away from hard work as a rule...but it is so emotionally drianing. I went home and ended up taking an early evening nap on Monday I was so exhausted.

I keep asking myself why the past few years have been such a struggle and why I can't get it together. One thing I have realized is that I did not expect to be alive this long. I was all set to be dead at 30. I am not. Don't think it's going to be happening quite yet. I don't know what to DO with that.

I ask myself if losing Rob is why I cling to ED. I don't think so. I may have not been entirely honest with behaviors...but I have not stayed "sick" to keep him. I know when the day comes I will be sad...BUT...I think he will allow limited contact. Greg allowed it and after my letter April 2003...I haven't written him. But, I am still a little ways from having to worry about it. So, I try to put it aside along with my fear that he's going to leave...or I will.

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