Friday, October 08, 2004

Just Track with Me...

BUFFY: Because? okay. I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm going to turn out to be. I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m? (covers) or enjoy warm, delicious cookie-me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

I love Buffy and have always been fond of this's from the last episode so it hasn't been years and years of fondness...but it made so much sense to me then and it does now as well.

Yesterday as Rob and I were talking, I was very aware of what my brain was was twisting Rob's words around and making them negative. It came down to me telling myself that anything good I do I do for the wrong reasons even if I don't think they are wrong. We were talking about motive and expectations of the good things we do. I guess the one thing I am having a really hard time getting my head around and need to email him about is that there is a motive and expectation is all that we do. I guess most of the time it is subconscious, but I never think of it in terms of what I'll get.

All this to say...Rob was very excited I was able to sit there in our session and realize what my head was doing and that I could stop and look at it. It reminded me of the quote from "Buffy." I think that is so true of all of us. I still have no clue who I am outside of the ED. I still want my mom's love and approval to MY satisfaction...having a hard time STILL accepting that she can only give so much. I want it to really sink in the ONLY acceptance I need is from God.

I am still cookie dough.

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