Friday, October 15, 2004

I Dunno...

Yesterday was another day I couldn't do it. I could not come in. This is NOT a good thing. I am here today though.

I went and paid my car insurance, got a haircut and went to the library before I saw Rob. Because the $$$ is so, so, so tight right now...I should have cancelled. By and large it was a very hard yet very good session...but I came out of it so hurt and confused that I really don't want to go back.

It would be so easy. Because of the $$ situation I already had to cancel my dieitian and it could be so easy to just fade out of the radar with Rob. I know this is coming from some anger and because I am hurt...but I don't deserve to go back.

We came to a point where I have realized that my standards are impossibly high and how I have made them higher than what God expects from me (which confuses me...but whatever...doesn't He ask for perfection...even if we blow it?). I felt dumb...really dumb and kind of got quiet and was already pretty teary. Rob asked me if this was something I wanted to work on and I said yes...but my voice was so quiet. The next thing I know he says something about me not sounding very motivated to do it. I don't know why he said that. I was quiet when I answered...I was overhwlemed because it seems like the list we have to work on is endless...and he said that and I was already feeling stupid and the tears started again.

For Rob the words came out before he could stop them. He knew what would happen as soon as they came out of his mouth and could tell by my face. He asked me why I was crying and tried the "I don't know" and Rob didn't buy it...of course. He asked me if it was because he hurt me and I nodded yes. Rob asked me if I could tell him that and I couldn't. He wants to know from me...even when he can see my reactions...but he acknowledged that I have never had the freedom to do that in the past.

I just feel like I am a failure in therapy and for the first time he didn't really deny it. He gave me some definition for failure that I can't recall.

I know he doesn't get it right now because I haven't told him I haven't been in the office two days this week. I don't even know why he'd need to know. To me, it seems like total laziness on my part...suck it up and do my job...

Another reaction is to bake him something for being such a huge disappointment, but I think he would know that is why I did it so I will try and be "good" and not try and make it all up to him by baking.

I feel dumb because it was drilled into my one can "make" us do anything...we have a choice. But as the words came out his mouth it didn't feel like I chose to feel hurt by what he said. So, he had nothing to be sorry for.

I wish...well...I can't say what I wish...

1 comment:

bobbie said...

deneice, you said "whatever...doesn't He ask for perfection...even if we blow it?)" no, this is why he sent jesus - because he knew we could never be perfect. the law is to show us our need of god, not so that we could ever achieve it.

oh denise, if anyone ever taught you that god wants you to be perfect they were lying, this is why we need a savior. please replace that lie with the truth. he loves you so much - today - right where you are - even if you never did another thing for him he couldn't love you more. even if from here you went and broke every commandment and totally gave up, he couldn't love you any less.

please wrap yourself in his love, let him hold you and love you. you are accepted, you are treasured, you are loved. please believe this today.