Tuesday, December 14, 2004

On Death & Dying....

My mom was talking to my grandmother on the phone a couple hours ago and is truly trying to prepare my mom for "the end." My grandmother is almost 84 and has been an alcoholic for years and years and decades...I do not want to sound callous...but I also know it is bound to catch up to a person. I think her body is just starting to give out after that many years of abuse.

Naturally I worry about her eternity, but I can't force her either. I do what I can...but she has free will. Gosh that sounds cold...but I know all I can do is pray and share when I can. According to her she is a believer and that very well may be...I can't judge that.

I think I am almost numb to this because my mom has used, "This could be his (my grandpa)/her last Xmas, birthday, Easter, etc." for at least 20 years now to manipulate me and while I DO know she is right this time...none of us knows how much time any of us has left.

My biggest fear is that when the "someday" arrives that my mom is going to have a major meltdown. WhenI had my Family Week at Remuda almost 4 1/2 years ago we talked about this. Thinking I would be away when it happened..I was very clear that I will come home...I will stay an extended period of time...but then I had to go back to my life. Things have changed...a lot. But I know that I will have to set boundaries when this happens or else she will suck me in and under.

They are so enmeshed that I am sure there will be yet another suicide attempt when my grandmother does leave us. My mom is already a mini-basket case after just talking on the phone with my grandma.

My heart tells me she will probably make it to January 21st...her 84th B-day...but I also have a sense that this will be our last Christmas together.


Anonymous said...

I am not sure what to say--hold on set those boundries-without guilt! I fight guilt each and everytime i hold firm to the boundries then cave give end up on the guilt train of there choice it is always different ya know-then beat up on myself for not being christian enough--I may even be wrong for not running to the same abuse thus my doubt that I am even a christian.. I hurt for you and share with you-Hold On To God--if he brought you to it he will bring you thru it! prayers for you

me said...

still prayin'...you can only do what you can, as you said. you're not callous or cold...just speaking truth. you cant make a decision for her. (either mom or grandma.)
I watched my dad die of diabetes related stuff complicated by years of drinking.
not fun, but alot of it was his choice. I had to learn to not carry that....hang in there....