Monday, December 20, 2004

Just Want to Escape...

My mind is pretty much reeling from the weekend’s events. Johnnie Carl, the conductor of the “Hour of Power” orchestra committed suicide early Friday morning at the Crystal Cathedral. His oldest is a former small group member of mine and I worked for the HOP and the CC for several years. I was a member for 10. Johnnie was bipolar and went off one med because of possible kidney problems. It was his mood stabilizer. After that, he went into a depressive-cycle that lead to his suicide. I am sad, I am shocked and a few other things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking.

Rob made me take the rubber bands off as soon as I walked in and got settled. We had a short conversation about them. I pointed out that snapping them actually hurts more than cutting, but doesn’t leave permanent marks. He doesn’t like that I use them for when I feel I need to be punished. I told him it was still better than cutting, thought that would be my preference. He made a comment about rubber bands being less lethal. That surprised me…that he would consider the cuts “lethal.” Then I made some comment about that it’s never been that and I have never needed stitches. Then Rob said it still puts me in the realm of a possible suicide attempt. Okay, I THOUGHT he was aware that cutting and suicide and not interchangeable. I didn’t push the issue with him…this is one I won’t win.

He also told me that he will be out of town next week. Normally I am cool with it. This time I am dreading it completely. The timing seems bad…not sure why because I am by no means very happy right now…but I am in an OK place. It may only be the latter part of the week so we would be there Monday, but I am not going to count on it.

1 comment:

Cliff said...

Oh man, I did not realize he had bipolar. I can't believe his doc let him go off the most important med!

I have bipolar, and I take a whole cocktail that may well one day kill me. But until that day comes, I'll take them because the alternative is so much worse.

My heart goes out to him, I have been in that dark room he was in. Not all of us get out alive.