Thursday, December 02, 2004

To Sleep....

I am so exhausted. Sleep is still not in my vocabulary and it is not helping with therapy. Rob reminded me today that I have been slacking on coming in with an agenda. Ummm...he’s right, but I can barely get through a day because I am so tired. He told me that I have lots of time to think since I am not sleeping. Ugh! He’s right though...I need to do better.

So, I did tell him I did as he asked and tried to watch myself and see if I could figure out why I can’t sleep. I am stressed...I can feel it in my shoulders. The closer we get to my mom’s anniversary date of her last OD attempt the more I dread sleeping. This one I phoned him and told him because I forgot in session today. I think I am doing it to punish myself. I am restricting...but that is like breathing to me so it gets ignored that is a 24/7 type punishment...not that my weight is dropping because it’s not...but I am eating about once a day. To cut or purge what I do eat comes with consequences that I don’t want. I don’t want to stop seeing Rob the momentary relief is not worth losing him. I hate to drink, I refuse drugs (unless I could get my hands on ephedrine) and that leaves sleep.

Today we tackled my mom. I was on such auto-pilot from that whole thing I never processed it much with Rob. We were pretty busy making sure I didn’t follow suit. That was a mistake. He should have let me go. I think I have spent the last few months mad at him for doing his job. I don’t think he realizes I still have the means...I am under contract and he seems to ignore that I tell him my mood has been spiraling down for the last 6 months so why bother?

Anyway, I went back and went through the whole thing. I think it frustrates him that I am pretty detached emotionally from it. I know why. Some of it is my own fears of losing control. Some of it is to suppress my anger about it (which I am sure he has figured out) and some of it is me hearing his voice telling me that he doesn’t always know my motivation for crying when it happens. He still doesn’t get how much that disturbs me. He keeps reminding me that emotions are like the weather and they will change...but HIS OFFICE is the ONLY safe place I have and who wants to let loose with the emotions when I have to leave and come home?

I know I have to deal with this. I just don’t want to.

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...

Wow ... lots of stuff going on there. So is the computer back up and running?

Is Rob wanting to know WHY you are crying? And that's what his problem is because he doesn't know? Lorie would just be content to have me actually let loose with some tears at this point, she even told me Tuesday that she's only seen me close to pulling down that mask a few times, and she's concerned that while I'm doing great, relapse is just a day away ... as long as that mask is still up. She keeps saying that it's safe to cry ... in there if no where else, even if I don't know why ... is that what he's telling you, or is he telling you he needs to understand why?