Monday, December 06, 2004

First off...let me tell you that...

He sent me a progressive relaxation CD that has meant I got FIVE hours of sleep last night! Woo hoo!

Next...ugh...just ugh. I got to a point today where I was at a loss for words and we talked about how I feel like I always have to have the "right" answer for Rob. I will sit there in silence trying to come up with what I think he needs to hear. So he asks me, "Do you understand yourself?" I said no. He asks me how do I know I don't. I tell him because nothing makes sense to me. Then he breaks it to me. That is not what he sees. Great. He tells me the only time he really knows I am not doing well is when I cut or purge.

I have also taken to wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it and it got to him. He asked me to stop. Fine. I put my hands under Frederick and kept it up. He asked me why I was doing it. I skirted the issue. Of course he knows why and I know why and if I tell him why we will talk about it and then he will take it away...add it to my "cannot do list." I "need" it. Okay, he finds it distracting he'd find me tapping on my collar bone even more distracting if I ever lost the weight again!

Maybe I need to get someone to tell him what I have told him and he doesn't seem to hear coming from ME:
  • my mood has been spiraling since June (I read him that...he HAS a copy)
  • I still feel like I have to justify being alive
  • Life feels overwhelming
I don't know what else to say. I have said it several times and yet he still doesn't know. Okay, he may know...but he probably wants me to say it plainly. I have said two of the three very simply.

The one thing I did tell him today was that I DO want to be able to feel my feelings, but why bother when his office is the only safe place I can do it?

Tonight is one of those nights I just want to give up and give in. I feel incredibly alone and that no one out there really gets it...they just pat me on the head and assure me I'm loved. I am beginning to have my doubts about that one.

1 comment:

utech said...

You are loved.
And I think I am starting to understand a little bit. There are some similarities in the way that we both see ourselves and I have learned things about myself from reading your experiences. Thank you