Faithful is...

...seeing a 49er football game that means nothing in the pouring down rain! I can't wait!!!

I got 2 tix for the 49er game from eBay. They may be in the end zone...but they are Lower Box seats and having sat there before...the seats are really pretty good. I'm just excited to go to a game...of course it would be nice if they were playing a team other than Houston and have it mean something...but I can't wait to go!!!

Christmas...I finally got an iPod!! My mom got me a black 4 GB Nano and wrapped it in a bag in a bag in a box in a huge box. I was beginning to wonder because it was the only thing I asked for.

I also got a $50 gift card for Berean Christian Store and 7 matinee tix for the Century theaters! My grandma knows me well!

Hmmm...

I fully support the fact that therapists and dietitians need and deserve ample time off. However...why does it have to be during one of the most difficult times of the year??

Actually, for Toni I wouldn't see her next week anyway because I just saw her today and I see her every other week. However, since January 2nd is a holiday it will be a full two weeks before seeing Rob. I know I'll be fine, I know I don't absolutely have to see him...but two weeks feels like two years right now. But, I think it is food related.

Food continues to stink. My energy level is okay, I can function...but there are some physical signs that I know signal some problems. I've had some leg cramping (on a regular basis...not just once in a blue moon), dizziness and limbs falling asleep and Toni is afraid there could be some slight electrolyte imbalances. I maintain that since I have been purge free for 15 months that cannot be the case. Anyway, she nixed my plans to go back to the gym next week because she's afraid of what could happen with my heart and I need to get my calories up. I hate knowing what I'm doing and wanting to just eat...but I am finding it so hard.

Earlier I asked my mom what we were having for dinner and she said we could just eat bread (we ordered bread from Boudin Bakery for my Aunt & Uncle on her side and they sent the order to us...they will now send the order to them...no charge since they messed up)since we have two big meals coming up this weekend. I am making pork tenderloin with mashed potatoes and broccoli tomorrow and then we are getting a Honeybaked Ham and I am making a couple side dishes for Christmas. She still does not get it. She is also the one on me because I am NOT eating the junk food we have around the house from my baking/candy making.

I had to pick up my PCOS meds and decided that I had to eat something...yesterday was a Jr. Popcorn at the movies. So, tears streaming down my face I went to Whole Foods and picked some stuff up. Then she tells me, "I wouldn't spend that much money on food." I am thinking if I didn't it wouldn't matter if I wanted to eat or not because if I didn't buy food...we would live on Coke and bagels. So, I ate and my mood has picked up a little bit. Gee...that should clue me in! I know that I know this...but how do you eat when you have NO interest in food at all?

Hanging On...

I STILL want to talk about the Lock-in...but I know if I don't talk about the other stuff, I can continue to hide all of it (not that it is bad or anything) from everyone other then Rob and Toni.

I will say this...last weekend was one of the rare moments where I felt my best was "good enough." Those moments are few and far between and it's youth ministry so the night wasn't "perfect," but the effort that I put in for the things I was in charge of, the things I helped my SP with and the time I spent with the kids was my best effort and it was enough...for them (I think...everyone had fun), for my SP and most important for me. Nothing earth shattering happened, no big revelation moment...other than being so very thankful to God for allowing me to gain work with students in any capacity. I love my Junior Highers!

The biggest thing right now is my food struggle. I'm not purging (in fact as of this weekend I am 15 months purge free!), I never binge, but the act of eating is becoming more and more difficult. Last Saturday my mom took me out to dinner and I ate (way too much), Tuesday was our staff lunch and I actually had dessert...but my caloris the rest of the week probably don't add up to 1/2 of one of those meals. I try to stay off the scale. It's not good for me. But, after last week, I had to see how much weight I gained. Ummm...I lost another pound and a half.

In most circles this is a GOOD thing. Having PCOS makes it very hard to lose weight and to see almost 12 pounds come off with no exercise plays with my head. I belong to a gym...but I reinjured my knee slipping on some oil in a parking lot so Toni said no gym for a couple weeks and then lately I have just been lazy/have no energy. But now I am chomping at the bit to go back next week.

So, even in my "beached whale" state...that much weight loss (no matter how needed) in this short a period of time is not really a good thing for me. People noticing isn't helping either.

In my head I keep saying, "ENOUGH!" I know where this can lead...heck, I keep looking at posters for "X-Men 3" and thinking this time I will not be at Remuda when the movie comes out! I was there both times the other two movies were released. Not that I am close to ven that being on the radar nor would it even be a possibility if things were that bad...but it seriously is a motivator.

Toni thinks part of this may be my standard when good stuff happens I throw all my energy into that and so food/hydration suffer. Part of me being a perfectionist and not knowing how to let my best effort be enough. Rob and I started talking about that again. I told him I hate being an overacheier, but I don't know how to NOT ne one or what it would mean to set that aside. It also dawned on me how much of a black & white thinker I am in many areas...mainly about me...not others. Like if I am not trying to overachieve than I am a failure.

Basically, I am getting my behind kicked in my session with Rob and I think the food slide is all part of that as well. The more Rob is really pressing (as he should be) me to dig deep with all these statements I make...the more I feel my internal world in chaos and how do I stop the madness? With more madness by restricting.

I meet the "little kids" in a few hours to go see "Narnia." It'll be the 2nd time for a couple of us and I am looking forward to seeing it again. Now that I have seen it and looked for accuracy, I can sot back and just let the movie be the movie! I read "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" long before I ever became a Christian (well...3 years or so) and really look at it from a literary standpoint. I can draw parallels as well as the next person, but I don't expect the movie to be the newest Christian "superstar." The movie has that value...of course it does...but it's loved by people of all walks of life and I want to lose myself in that part of it...to see it through the eyes of my little kindergartner (who is attending with his dad was well) who is also a huge Harry Potter fan...to see it through the eyes of my 5th graders and one of my 2nd graders who is attending her first Kids Day Out since coming to our church from Cameroon.

My plan is to bring water with me. Sorry, I refuse to pay $4 for a bottle of water. And if they have pretzel bites, indulge in those!

Quick Check-In

I want to write a real update...but things are busy. In no particular order:

1. Lock-in was great! We all had a lot of fun and can't wait until the next one!
2. Taking the K-5th graders (well...a few of them) to see "Narnia" Saturday.
3. I'm having a hard time pulling out of the slide I'm in...but am emailing my intake to Toni. Yesterday's staff lunch went OK...though I came close to having a panic attack trying to read the menu.


More later!

The Other Stuff

I started this blog (thanks Gman!) on a suggestion and as much as it truly is about the many, many, MANY up and downs about recovery...with YM coming back into my life there has been a lot of Jr. High stuff as well as, of course, Children's Ministry stuff as it should be!

But, my dieitian said somethig to me a couple weeks ago that got me to thinking. We were talking about my reasons for going into major restrict mode and besides feeling Rob took some control away from me, she thinks that I pour so much into the good things that are going on in my life, that I ignore ME and my basic needs (food & water). I think she has a point. Unfortunately, even knowing all this, eating is such a HUGE battle these days. I do it and on a good day I may even hit 1,000 calories, but there have been days I have been close to tears during and after an "eating episode." I really need to snap out of it!

Lock-In Countdown...

The Jr. High Lock-In is Friday night! My first lock-in in over three years! I think it is going to be fun. My SP and I are planning a great night. Pizza, "Narnia," games, marshmallow guns, Communion, video games, etc., etc. I love being a volunteer again and even got a thank you email from one of the parents! My SP and I are going to meet tomorrow to pund out the final details and then spend Friday AM turning one of my SS rooms into Narnia. We are taking some ideas from the last "Group" and from Narnia Resources and adpating them for us. Neither were totally thrilled with all the stuff out there, but there is enough to get the point across without pounding it all into their heads!

It's been fun to work with my SP in this capacity. I think it helps all the way around. Oh, and he liked my Nursery/Toddler Room plan! Now, I have to do a floor plan and time line! Ugh! It can get done...it WILL get done...but it is an "ack" moment for me!

LOSER...

This is SO lame. But, I want a real Christmas tree in the worst way. But, I'll be lucky if I make it to my next paycheck (I'll have to cancel Rob and Toni next week I think). I normally don't care and haven't had a tree in ages, but I think that is why I want one. My mom is content with the rather cute fake one I bought her a gfew years ago...but I miss having a real one.

I know the solution, but I do look for other PT jobs and nothing has panned out and I really don't want to leave the job I'm in and really don't feel God is telling me to move on. My schedule (having to be at church on Sunday) really impacts people wanting to hire me...plus not ever having a "normal" job...ever.

Last night was the tree lighting at church. We have this huge tree on our front lawn and for the past 12 years it has been the SHPNA site for the neighborhood tree lighting. Two school choirs performed and one of our handbell choirs. Then they head outside for the lighting and then back inside for visits with Santa and cookies. Sweet event...but the way parents were treating their kids just made my heart break.

I try to stay focused on why we are even celebrating Christmas...but there is something absilutely shattered inside me...that has been shattering since October if I'm honest about it. The 1/2 hour exercise that Rob is having me do is proving to be as scary as I thought it would be and is going places that I have been trying to avoid. Fun, fun!

Peeking Out...

...from my hidey hole!

I talked about it last week and then have been in total surface "stuff" mode. This is always a clear indication that things aren't great. They aren't. I am having a very hard time fighting back. It's not like things are horrendous or that I am even losing weight, because I'm not. However, when my mom is playing Food Police I know things have reached a not so good place. She is questioning me like crazy and at least it forces me to eat my one meal. Heck, I even made fajitas last night so how bad can I really be?

I know what prompted it. I posted about it last week. Rob wants to talk to my mom's therapist and eventually my mom in for a family session. But, he has always said that it would be my timing and he is concerned about the fallout since I'd have to go back home with her. I thought that was the end of it...at least for a few weeks. The next time I came in he gave me a release to sign so he and Jann could speak. Fine. I signed it and then told my mom about it as Jann would be asking her to sign one as well.

My next session, Rob was frustrated with me (so what else is new?) and makes some comment that if HE hadn't done all the work then this never would have been done. I let that sit and didn't say much...I let the ED speak for me ever since and now it won't shut up! Anyway, as I was looking at the emails I sent him, I actually must have said something to him in our session because I emailed him later to assure him that I wasn't mad at him...just confused about the whole thing. He did apologize a couple of times and I did tell him that ever since I have been in "default" mode because of the "control" issues.

We've talked about how much I have been reading over the last 2-3 weeks. I read a lot normally, but lately it has been in overdrive. I know why. I told him why. I am avoiding something/some feeling and that is the way to do it. I came into the "Harry Potter Frenzy" late (i.e. three weeks ago) and have read all six books, a bunch of Beverly Lewis books among others. I know...not heavy nor important reading, but when you are burying yourself in books in order to avoid something that is best.

So, between now and Monday I am supposed to take a 1/2 hour alone. No music, no TV, no computer, no reading material...nada. The purpose of this is for me to be able to be still and try to connect with my feelings. I told him a couple weeks ago that this is why my therpaist the first time I was Remuda would not let me read. I must have told her when I first got there that I was a voracious reader and she realized if she let me read (most people were assigned a book or two while there) I'd isolate and/or read to avoid my feelings.

The 2nd anniversary of my mom's last suicide attempt is coming up and I think that also plays into the food/sleep thing. This is another reason why Rob wants me to do this. Sounds weird, but it scares me to death. I am really nervous about having to do this. How silly is that?