Saturday, December 17, 2005

Hanging On...

I STILL want to talk about the Lock-in...but I know if I don't talk about the other stuff, I can continue to hide all of it (not that it is bad or anything) from everyone other then Rob and Toni.

I will say this...last weekend was one of the rare moments where I felt my best was "good enough." Those moments are few and far between and it's youth ministry so the night wasn't "perfect," but the effort that I put in for the things I was in charge of, the things I helped my SP with and the time I spent with the kids was my best effort and it was enough...for them (I think...everyone had fun), for my SP and most important for me. Nothing earth shattering happened, no big revelation moment...other than being so very thankful to God for allowing me to gain work with students in any capacity. I love my Junior Highers!

The biggest thing right now is my food struggle. I'm not purging (in fact as of this weekend I am 15 months purge free!), I never binge, but the act of eating is becoming more and more difficult. Last Saturday my mom took me out to dinner and I ate (way too much), Tuesday was our staff lunch and I actually had dessert...but my caloris the rest of the week probably don't add up to 1/2 of one of those meals. I try to stay off the scale. It's not good for me. But, after last week, I had to see how much weight I gained. Ummm...I lost another pound and a half.

In most circles this is a GOOD thing. Having PCOS makes it very hard to lose weight and to see almost 12 pounds come off with no exercise plays with my head. I belong to a gym...but I reinjured my knee slipping on some oil in a parking lot so Toni said no gym for a couple weeks and then lately I have just been lazy/have no energy. But now I am chomping at the bit to go back next week.

So, even in my "beached whale" state...that much weight loss (no matter how needed) in this short a period of time is not really a good thing for me. People noticing isn't helping either.

In my head I keep saying, "ENOUGH!" I know where this can lead...heck, I keep looking at posters for "X-Men 3" and thinking this time I will not be at Remuda when the movie comes out! I was there both times the other two movies were released. Not that I am close to ven that being on the radar nor would it even be a possibility if things were that bad...but it seriously is a motivator.

Toni thinks part of this may be my standard when good stuff happens I throw all my energy into that and so food/hydration suffer. Part of me being a perfectionist and not knowing how to let my best effort be enough. Rob and I started talking about that again. I told him I hate being an overacheier, but I don't know how to NOT ne one or what it would mean to set that aside. It also dawned on me how much of a black & white thinker I am in many areas...mainly about me...not others. Like if I am not trying to overachieve than I am a failure.

Basically, I am getting my behind kicked in my session with Rob and I think the food slide is all part of that as well. The more Rob is really pressing (as he should be) me to dig deep with all these statements I make...the more I feel my internal world in chaos and how do I stop the madness? With more madness by restricting.

I meet the "little kids" in a few hours to go see "Narnia." It'll be the 2nd time for a couple of us and I am looking forward to seeing it again. Now that I have seen it and looked for accuracy, I can sot back and just let the movie be the movie! I read "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" long before I ever became a Christian (well...3 years or so) and really look at it from a literary standpoint. I can draw parallels as well as the next person, but I don't expect the movie to be the newest Christian "superstar." The movie has that value...of course it does...but it's loved by people of all walks of life and I want to lose myself in that part of see it through the eyes of my little kindergartner (who is attending with his dad was well) who is also a huge Harry Potter see it through the eyes of my 5th graders and one of my 2nd graders who is attending her first Kids Day Out since coming to our church from Cameroon.

My plan is to bring water with me. Sorry, I refuse to pay $4 for a bottle of water. And if they have pretzel bites, indulge in those!


Joann said...

I never did read that book, I know all of my kids did, so I will see the movie without any preconceived ideas.

Food...I'm doing the Jenny Craig thing now. The games that go on in my head are so silly, yet they do.

The Thief said...

That's great to hear that you did well enough with your 100%!!! Way to Go!

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