...from my hidey hole!
I talked about it last week and then have been in total surface "stuff" mode. This is always a clear indication that things aren't great. They aren't. I am having a very hard time fighting back. It's not like things are horrendous or that I am even losing weight, because I'm not. However, when my mom is playing Food Police I know things have reached a not so good place. She is questioning me like crazy and at least it forces me to eat my one meal. Heck, I even made fajitas last night so how bad can I really be?
I know what prompted it. I posted about it last week. Rob wants to talk to my mom's therapist and eventually my mom in for a family session. But, he has always said that it would be my timing and he is concerned about the fallout since I'd have to go back home with her. I thought that was the end of it...at least for a few weeks. The next time I came in he gave me a release to sign so he and Jann could speak. Fine. I signed it and then told my mom about it as Jann would be asking her to sign one as well.
My next session, Rob was frustrated with me (so what else is new?) and makes some comment that if HE hadn't done all the work then this never would have been done. I let that sit and didn't say much...I let the ED speak for me ever since and now it won't shut up! Anyway, as I was looking at the emails I sent him, I actually must have said something to him in our session because I emailed him later to assure him that I wasn't mad at him...just confused about the whole thing. He did apologize a couple of times and I did tell him that ever since I have been in "default" mode because of the "control" issues.
We've talked about how much I have been reading over the last 2-3 weeks. I read a lot normally, but lately it has been in overdrive. I know why. I told him why. I am avoiding something/some feeling and that is the way to do it. I came into the "Harry Potter Frenzy" late (i.e. three weeks ago) and have read all six books, a bunch of Beverly Lewis books among others. I know...not heavy nor important reading, but when you are burying yourself in books in order to avoid something that is best.
So, between now and Monday I am supposed to take a 1/2 hour alone. No music, no TV, no computer, no reading material...nada. The purpose of this is for me to be able to be still and try to connect with my feelings. I told him a couple weeks ago that this is why my therpaist the first time I was Remuda would not let me read. I must have told her when I first got there that I was a voracious reader and she realized if she let me read (most people were assigned a book or two while there) I'd isolate and/or read to avoid my feelings.
The 2nd anniversary of my mom's last suicide attempt is coming up and I think that also plays into the food/sleep thing. This is another reason why Rob wants me to do this. Sounds weird, but it scares me to death. I am really nervous about having to do this. How silly is that?
I talked about it last week and then have been in total surface "stuff" mode. This is always a clear indication that things aren't great. They aren't. I am having a very hard time fighting back. It's not like things are horrendous or that I am even losing weight, because I'm not. However, when my mom is playing Food Police I know things have reached a not so good place. She is questioning me like crazy and at least it forces me to eat my one meal. Heck, I even made fajitas last night so how bad can I really be?
I know what prompted it. I posted about it last week. Rob wants to talk to my mom's therapist and eventually my mom in for a family session. But, he has always said that it would be my timing and he is concerned about the fallout since I'd have to go back home with her. I thought that was the end of it...at least for a few weeks. The next time I came in he gave me a release to sign so he and Jann could speak. Fine. I signed it and then told my mom about it as Jann would be asking her to sign one as well.
My next session, Rob was frustrated with me (so what else is new?) and makes some comment that if HE hadn't done all the work then this never would have been done. I let that sit and didn't say much...I let the ED speak for me ever since and now it won't shut up! Anyway, as I was looking at the emails I sent him, I actually must have said something to him in our session because I emailed him later to assure him that I wasn't mad at him...just confused about the whole thing. He did apologize a couple of times and I did tell him that ever since I have been in "default" mode because of the "control" issues.
We've talked about how much I have been reading over the last 2-3 weeks. I read a lot normally, but lately it has been in overdrive. I know why. I told him why. I am avoiding something/some feeling and that is the way to do it. I came into the "Harry Potter Frenzy" late (i.e. three weeks ago) and have read all six books, a bunch of Beverly Lewis books among others. I know...not heavy nor important reading, but when you are burying yourself in books in order to avoid something that is best.
So, between now and Monday I am supposed to take a 1/2 hour alone. No music, no TV, no computer, no reading material...nada. The purpose of this is for me to be able to be still and try to connect with my feelings. I told him a couple weeks ago that this is why my therpaist the first time I was Remuda would not let me read. I must have told her when I first got there that I was a voracious reader and she realized if she let me read (most people were assigned a book or two while there) I'd isolate and/or read to avoid my feelings.
The 2nd anniversary of my mom's last suicide attempt is coming up and I think that also plays into the food/sleep thing. This is another reason why Rob wants me to do this. Sounds weird, but it scares me to death. I am really nervous about having to do this. How silly is that?
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