"Stuff"

It's been a long week. Not a bad week...but a long week. Things are so hard in therapy. Rob is getting fed up and I don't blame him and I am trying...but I keep runnnig into these mental blocks I can't seem to get over. We are continuing to dialogue and I am trying hard to talk about the difficult things. I want to blame the whole thing on the fact I am not on meds and need them. But, I'm not so sure. I think I have been in this hole for so long now I am not sure what I was like with the meds.

We are getting ready to go forward with background checks for our volunteers at church. I know we need to do it and I am 100% behind it, but it is still going to be hard to tell these people I need to run a check on them.

For some reason I can't my head around two conflicting emotions existing in me at the same time. It makes no sense. I mean I look at what awesome things going on and the absolute joy it is to be working with our Jr. Highers and yet most days I am so disappointed I woke up..that I breathe...that I exist. The two just don't seem possible and yet it is. I admit it. They are both there but it doesn't make sense how or why. I think I shut down because I feel so dumb when I try to talk about this. I think I feel dumb because I only have Rob to talk about it with!

Yesterday he wondered if some of the problems I am having still don;t stem from fear that if I open up then either he'll leave his practice or I'll end up leaving because that has happened in the past. I told him that with the exception of every May when we tend to have this conversation...I don't think about it much. I need to think about it because he may be on to something. I was surprised last night as I was thinking about Marc how much it still hurts almost 6 years later. Greg? Not so much...but I do miss him at times.

Sigh...

Usually Not Triggered

When it comes to ED behaviors, it has always been my emotions or a stressful/emotional event that would trigger me...even good things. For example, youth group could go great and I'd think I "deserved" to engage in behaviors (like THAT makes sense) or it could go (IMHO) badly and I would "have" to engage in behaviors as punishment. Generally speaking, books, magazines, movies, etc. really have never triggered me. Last night was an exception.

After watching AI from the "City by the Bay," I was wathcing something else and during a break, went to see what the dogs were up to. My mom was watching a movie on Lifetime and I recognized it right away...before the girl even cut. I went back to the living room to watch the other program, but I kept switiching back and forth. For the first time in a long time it was very "moth to the flame-like." It took me a little while to let the urges pass and know that I don't have to act on them at all. I mean, as of last week I am 16 months purge free and 15 months SI free. However, in the darkness of my bedroom, it almost seemed worth it to give in.

I am not going to get graphic or anything...but a line from the movie stuck out last night. Someone asks the girl if it hurts when she cuts. She answers, "When I want it to." That rang so true to me and I think that was the trigger point. Not that I don't feel. As Rob has pointed out, it's that I don't allow myself to fully engage in the emotion. I downplay it, I do what I can to avoid it, etc. But, much of time time, I couldn't feel the cut until later.

Today is a new day and I have bigger things to ponder. I think Rob has had it with me and is going to suggest a break. I just need to get what is going on in my head out of my mouth.

Hmmm...Double Standard???

Okay, I know this is not the place for this...but I vented in the only other place I can vent and am still bugged. I saw this on a discussion of someone who may or may not have been part of the YS Boards. It cam from an Admin. of the board:

"No, it's not taboo. I'm just saying.........knowing that a couple of people have signed on here under new IDs from what they had at YS, perhaps some people are looking for a clean slate. I don't know if free_flying was a YS Forumite, nor do I care. What I do care about is that free_flying has found this community, and has elected to be a part of it, and for that, I am thankful, just as I am thankful for everyone else here."

Yet, when I signed up...this person PM'd me to tell me he wouldn't "out" me...for which I am grateful...but why does one person not have their IP looked at and ID'd as a former YS Forumite and others do not? That was why I almost didn't register and went through some pains to try NOT to be ID'd by the PTB at the other site. Someone else paid my $5 and sent it from a whole other state, I tried to use a program to hide my real IP, but I goofed when I registered (which was how I was found out) and after a few days I couldn't get on using the random IPs and since one person knew who I was I figured screw it...if the rest of team knows...so be it.

But it bugs me that all of a sudden there seems to be care about privacy when mine was so obviously violated. As I said, I am very thankful that the PTB have kept the promise not to out me...but seeing that post has me upset about it all over again!

%^$$^&*%#@!!!!!

There are times I wished I DID use bad language, because I would let a few words fly out of my mouth.

This is really nothing major, but in a week of the medical stuff with my grandparents, actually getting the guts to tell Rob I feel dead inside and just day to day stuff...the straws are piling up.

Yesterday I am buying a newspaper and a bottle of water and my check card wouldn't go through. I am cutting it close to pay day next week, but I had enough in there to cover that purchase. The clerk thought it could be a problem at my bank. So, off I go to the mall so I could see a movie. My card doesn't work at my bank ATM. I go inside and find out that my card has been blocked. I was like the 20th person to have this problem. It sounds as if someone hacked into the system and either put holds on the cards so they could use them and we couldn't...or it was caught and so no one could use the cards they blocked them. Ugh! So, they put a rush on my card and I hope to have it by Friday.

This morning my "Service Engine Soon" light came on. I don't think it is major, but I really can't pay for it. Well, I guess I'll cancel Rob. I was doing okay financially and I am not overspending, but I think I am still playing catch up from Christmas and my small cushion is gone.

And to think...today is only Wednesday!

Update: My gas cap was loose. And people say God has no sense of humor! :)

At Loose Ends

Everything seems so hard right now. The very act of getting out of bed is like a major accomplishment. But I get up, suck it up and go on with my day. I’m beginning to wonder why. Then I start beating myself up for it. I have no reason to feel as I do…or not feel as the case may be.

Even with the stress of what’s going on at work (and hey…I doubt there is anything as a stress free job so I know I’m not alone!)…I really love my job. As my SP and I were discussing the hiring of a new Youth Director I was so okay with it…I think I surprised myself. Okay, when the person comes in it will be awkward I admit, but what I felt God was telling me at NYWC still rings true so I know it wasn’t all in my own mind. Oh, and yesterday my SP stopped by my office before my regular morning stuff got started to clear the air about last week and to tell me that I’m doing fine and things are happening. I was happy to hear it and was a little pleased I was able to tell him that yes; I felt what happened was a little “schizo.” I know…not PC, but I put it out there anyway.

I am having fun with Junior High and the games are going over well. They are looking forward to the Presbytery Retreat and want to go! The Jr./Sr. High Ski Trip won’t be well attended by Jr. High, but that is no surprise. They said they wanted it, but it is an expensive trip and I think we’d rather see them go to the retreat anyway.

But, take away all that and I feel totally dead inside and disconnected. But, as I always say…I “shouldn’t” feel that way. How can I feel dead inside and yet claim to be a Christian at the same time. How can I feel dead inside? In makes no sense. I can hear Rob tell me that I need to accept what I am feeling and not judge it. In this case, it is very hard to do.

Then there are the health problems of some of my grandmother and grandfather. My grandfather has two blocked arteries in his neck. They are 60-80% and until he sees the vascular surgeon and there are more tests, we won’t know what the next step is. My mom thought 60% didn’t sound all that bad until I explained that meant there was at best only 40% blood flow through the arteries and at worst 20%. My grandmother had an MRI on her spine and legs last week and gets the results Wednesday. I’m not dealing with it very well (internally) and I feel so utterly alone. There no one to talk to on AIM and no one talks to me anymore so I am very timid about IMing anyone out of the blue anyway. Besides, what can I say? What can anyone do? I’m just dying to get to So Cal in April and spend time with friends…four months seems like an eternity, but it just about four months until my trip. I just need to make it until then.

Overwhelmed II

This whole playground thing is going to give me a headache. Yesterday I felt like my head was going to explode with the whole thing. The rules, the regulations, the options, etc.

Afterward, my SP tells me we need to move ahead with the Nursery Plan. I looked at him and said that I gave him a timeline the day before for what we will complete by the end of next month. While on Tuesday it is good enough...yesterday it was not. HOWEVER...when I don't know WHO is going to be the new Facilities chair there is nothing I can do. I need to know who can go buy some items, who can install them, do we have to go outside the church, etc.

Oh...and then there is the fact I am PT and have "normal" day to day stuff I need to get done. I don't think anyine realizes I am (right now anyway) exepcted to do FT work in a PT schedule. I know if bring that up I will be told I can quit.

Stop the world...I wanna get off!

Overwhelmed...

I feel overwhelmed, but I am not sure how much of it is reality. I look at deadlines, activities, projects and think there is no way it gets done. But, God always seems to give me the time I need to get it done and no matter how my insides feel...there is that peace that tells me that I can stress all I want...but He is in control and I can rest in that.

I am already in partial VBS mode as well as Nursery refurbishment mode, Jr. High mode and who in the heck can I get to sub this week mode! I also have to remember that neither God nor my SP have told me I need to take everything that happened in our 1:1 and get it done right this second! It's my need to overachieve and to prove my worth that drives me to get it all done (and "perfectly") "right now." I need to let that part play out (and not fight it) while at the same time realize that not getting it all done by tomorrow does not mean I am a loser, underachiever nor a slacker.

Now all I have to do is really believe that even if I don't complete things within 24 hours that is OK.

%%$^%#%^&!!!!

I had written a really long post about me and black and white thinking and then our DSL connnection went "poof" for a a couple minutes and I lost it. Grrr...

I'll post again when I can rewrite it. I hate when that happens!!!

But for now...I will leave you with mt "Rent" lyrics of the day:

ROGER
Who Who, Mark, Are You?
"Mark Has Got His Work"
They Say "Mark Lives For His Work"
And "Mark's In Love With His Work"
Mark Hides In His Work

MARK
But From What?

ROGER
From Facing Your Failure, Facing Your
Loneliness
Facing The Fact You Live A Lie
Yes, You Live A Lie - Tell You Why

You're Always Preaching Not To
Be Numb
When That's How You Thrive
You Pretend To Create And Observe

When You Really Detach From Feeling
Alive

MARK
Perhaps It's Because I'm The One Of Us
To Survive

Playground Progress

I am at my desk trying to get motivated to go downstairs and make copies! I really do like my job and don't mind the "grunt" work that goes with it...I am just really tired. But, today is a good day for us!

A consultant is coming out today to look at our now defunct playground. The equipment (partially shown in the picture) cannot be put back in after the Capernaum Project building project is done. It won't be safe, won't be up to code, etc. So, I have someone from Grounds for Play coming out to look at the space, talk about our needs, etc. I know she will help with budgeting, etc.

You'd Think They Won the Super Bowl!

Sorry I haven't updated since the game. On my way to get my grandfather I just missed having a huge tree crash down on my car. In the less than 5 minutes it took to drive through the intersection, get my grandpa and be off again, a 3 ft. in diameter tree fell (we were having a storm...lots of wind...nothing compared to Napa though) across all of Meridian Ave. When I dropped him off the tree was still there and when I got home we had no electricity and no heat. This went on for 30 hours!

The game was a lot of fun...even in the rain! However, the 49ers being the 49ers, we never saw them too much at our end of the field! Thankfully, the jumbotron was in fine condition! Getting to see Alex Smith finally throw a TD pass and to watch Nedney in action was a wonderful thing.

One guy called out (not that anyone but those around him could hear) to Alex Smith, "Put stick'em on your hands and keep it there!" There is talk of Smith's small hands, but Rich Gannon says that Smith's hands dwarf his. Who knows? I, for one, am glad he can run, but there were those around me who "don't want another Steve Young." Hmmm....they are nuts! Each first down meant much rejoicing in the stands! Kind of sad when there are celebrations that we managed a 1st down...but celebrate we did!

Some bozo decided to come in their Oakland Raider gear. He stayed pretty quiet for most of the game. Maybe it was the beer, but he finally began causing problems and baited two 49er fans into a "heated debate." Next thing we know, the police are escorting all three men out. Then there was the guy who showed up in a Green Bay jacket. He was already on his way out when he got into a shouting match with another 49er faithful.

The rain wasn't too bad until toward the end. If there had been double OT we might have left. As we were walking to the car the sky really opened up and it poured all the way home. The newspaper said there were 30,000 there from the start and 20,000 by the time the game ended. That made getting out of the parking lot so much easier. I went to StubHub.com to buy a parking pass and that was the best thing I could have done. If I knew how to get from the Bayshore Caltrain station to the game we probably would have done that instead of driving...but I was clueless.

I loved being able to go to a practice and am so glad I made it to one game this year. Tickets are so expensive! If the 49ers were doing well there would have been no way I would have been able to get 2 tix for less than the price of one on eBay. And, though we were in the end zone, if I had the $$ to buy regular priced tickets why would I want to sit in UR?

Okay, I need to get back to work! I have a brochure I need to finish for our 4th-5th grade camp! :)