Everything seems so hard right now. The very act of getting out of bed is like a major accomplishment. But I get up, suck it up and go on with my day. I’m beginning to wonder why. Then I start beating myself up for it. I have no reason to feel as I do…or not feel as the case may be.
Even with the stress of what’s going on at work (and hey…I doubt there is anything as a stress free job so I know I’m not alone!)…I really love my job. As my SP and I were discussing the hiring of a new Youth Director I was so okay with it…I think I surprised myself. Okay, when the person comes in it will be awkward I admit, but what I felt God was telling me at NYWC still rings true so I know it wasn’t all in my own mind. Oh, and yesterday my SP stopped by my office before my regular morning stuff got started to clear the air about last week and to tell me that I’m doing fine and things are happening. I was happy to hear it and was a little pleased I was able to tell him that yes; I felt what happened was a little “schizo.” I know…not PC, but I put it out there anyway.
I am having fun with Junior High and the games are going over well. They are looking forward to the Presbytery Retreat and want to go! The Jr./Sr. High Ski Trip won’t be well attended by Jr. High, but that is no surprise. They said they wanted it, but it is an expensive trip and I think we’d rather see them go to the retreat anyway.
But, take away all that and I feel totally dead inside and disconnected. But, as I always say…I “shouldn’t” feel that way. How can I feel dead inside and yet claim to be a Christian at the same time. How can I feel dead inside? In makes no sense. I can hear Rob tell me that I need to accept what I am feeling and not judge it. In this case, it is very hard to do.
Then there are the health problems of some of my grandmother and grandfather. My grandfather has two blocked arteries in his neck. They are 60-80% and until he sees the vascular surgeon and there are more tests, we won’t know what the next step is. My mom thought 60% didn’t sound all that bad until I explained that meant there was at best only 40% blood flow through the arteries and at worst 20%. My grandmother had an MRI on her spine and legs last week and gets the results Wednesday. I’m not dealing with it very well (internally) and I feel so utterly alone. There no one to talk to on AIM and no one talks to me anymore so I am very timid about IMing anyone out of the blue anyway. Besides, what can I say? What can anyone do? I’m just dying to get to So Cal in April and spend time with friends…four months seems like an eternity, but it just about four months until my trip. I just need to make it until then.
Even with the stress of what’s going on at work (and hey…I doubt there is anything as a stress free job so I know I’m not alone!)…I really love my job. As my SP and I were discussing the hiring of a new Youth Director I was so okay with it…I think I surprised myself. Okay, when the person comes in it will be awkward I admit, but what I felt God was telling me at NYWC still rings true so I know it wasn’t all in my own mind. Oh, and yesterday my SP stopped by my office before my regular morning stuff got started to clear the air about last week and to tell me that I’m doing fine and things are happening. I was happy to hear it and was a little pleased I was able to tell him that yes; I felt what happened was a little “schizo.” I know…not PC, but I put it out there anyway.
I am having fun with Junior High and the games are going over well. They are looking forward to the Presbytery Retreat and want to go! The Jr./Sr. High Ski Trip won’t be well attended by Jr. High, but that is no surprise. They said they wanted it, but it is an expensive trip and I think we’d rather see them go to the retreat anyway.
But, take away all that and I feel totally dead inside and disconnected. But, as I always say…I “shouldn’t” feel that way. How can I feel dead inside and yet claim to be a Christian at the same time. How can I feel dead inside? In makes no sense. I can hear Rob tell me that I need to accept what I am feeling and not judge it. In this case, it is very hard to do.
Then there are the health problems of some of my grandmother and grandfather. My grandfather has two blocked arteries in his neck. They are 60-80% and until he sees the vascular surgeon and there are more tests, we won’t know what the next step is. My mom thought 60% didn’t sound all that bad until I explained that meant there was at best only 40% blood flow through the arteries and at worst 20%. My grandmother had an MRI on her spine and legs last week and gets the results Wednesday. I’m not dealing with it very well (internally) and I feel so utterly alone. There no one to talk to on AIM and no one talks to me anymore so I am very timid about IMing anyone out of the blue anyway. Besides, what can I say? What can anyone do? I’m just dying to get to So Cal in April and spend time with friends…four months seems like an eternity, but it just about four months until my trip. I just need to make it until then.
2 comments:
Sorry to hear of your struggles. I just prayed for you!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
Hang in there.
my aim as changed ... it is ytministeratdumc ... im' me sometime
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