Thursday, January 26, 2006

Usually Not Triggered

When it comes to ED behaviors, it has always been my emotions or a stressful/emotional event that would trigger me...even good things. For example, youth group could go great and I'd think I "deserved" to engage in behaviors (like THAT makes sense) or it could go (IMHO) badly and I would "have" to engage in behaviors as punishment. Generally speaking, books, magazines, movies, etc. really have never triggered me. Last night was an exception.

After watching AI from the "City by the Bay," I was wathcing something else and during a break, went to see what the dogs were up to. My mom was watching a movie on Lifetime and I recognized it right away...before the girl even cut. I went back to the living room to watch the other program, but I kept switiching back and forth. For the first time in a long time it was very "moth to the flame-like." It took me a little while to let the urges pass and know that I don't have to act on them at all. I mean, as of last week I am 16 months purge free and 15 months SI free. However, in the darkness of my bedroom, it almost seemed worth it to give in.

I am not going to get graphic or anything...but a line from the movie stuck out last night. Someone asks the girl if it hurts when she cuts. She answers, "When I want it to." That rang so true to me and I think that was the trigger point. Not that I don't feel. As Rob has pointed out, it's that I don't allow myself to fully engage in the emotion. I downplay it, I do what I can to avoid it, etc. But, much of time time, I couldn't feel the cut until later.

Today is a new day and I have bigger things to ponder. I think Rob has had it with me and is going to suggest a break. I just need to get what is going on in my head out of my mouth.

1 comment:

Joann said...

I am trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. What is that connection to eating? I have lost 15 pounds on the Jenny Craig diet. I have 50 more to go.

We can do what we need to do. Hope you taking care.