It's been a long week. Not a bad week...but a long week. Things are so hard in therapy. Rob is getting fed up and I don't blame him and I am trying...but I keep runnnig into these mental blocks I can't seem to get over. We are continuing to dialogue and I am trying hard to talk about the difficult things. I want to blame the whole thing on the fact I am not on meds and need them. But, I'm not so sure. I think I have been in this hole for so long now I am not sure what I was like with the meds.
We are getting ready to go forward with background checks for our volunteers at church. I know we need to do it and I am 100% behind it, but it is still going to be hard to tell these people I need to run a check on them.
For some reason I can't my head around two conflicting emotions existing in me at the same time. It makes no sense. I mean I look at what awesome things going on and the absolute joy it is to be working with our Jr. Highers and yet most days I am so disappointed I woke up..that I breathe...that I exist. The two just don't seem possible and yet it is. I admit it. They are both there but it doesn't make sense how or why. I think I shut down because I feel so dumb when I try to talk about this. I think I feel dumb because I only have Rob to talk about it with!
Yesterday he wondered if some of the problems I am having still don;t stem from fear that if I open up then either he'll leave his practice or I'll end up leaving because that has happened in the past. I told him that with the exception of every May when we tend to have this conversation...I don't think about it much. I need to think about it because he may be on to something. I was surprised last night as I was thinking about Marc how much it still hurts almost 6 years later. Greg? Not so much...but I do miss him at times.
Sigh...
We are getting ready to go forward with background checks for our volunteers at church. I know we need to do it and I am 100% behind it, but it is still going to be hard to tell these people I need to run a check on them.
For some reason I can't my head around two conflicting emotions existing in me at the same time. It makes no sense. I mean I look at what awesome things going on and the absolute joy it is to be working with our Jr. Highers and yet most days I am so disappointed I woke up..that I breathe...that I exist. The two just don't seem possible and yet it is. I admit it. They are both there but it doesn't make sense how or why. I think I shut down because I feel so dumb when I try to talk about this. I think I feel dumb because I only have Rob to talk about it with!
Yesterday he wondered if some of the problems I am having still don;t stem from fear that if I open up then either he'll leave his practice or I'll end up leaving because that has happened in the past. I told him that with the exception of every May when we tend to have this conversation...I don't think about it much. I need to think about it because he may be on to something. I was surprised last night as I was thinking about Marc how much it still hurts almost 6 years later. Greg? Not so much...but I do miss him at times.
Sigh...
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