The Day After...

I think if I would have actually had anything in my stomach yesterday it would have come back up...without any help from myself. Even though I know what Rob expects is a GOOD thing...my anxiety level was through the roof.

Part of my anxiety was from the very fact of starting to have to really open up. Not that in the past 3+ years I haven't opened up...but really go into the core of everything. It i not that I haven't been there before. But it is this fear I have. I open up and something happens to make the therapy relationship end. It's happened twice. Once was totally out of my control and the second was when I moved to Indiana. I know in my head that probably nothng will happen...but the fear is there. Part of the anxiety stems from the emotions coming up and the fear of not being able to handle them.

I sat in the car before I went into the office to go ahead and write something...at least enough to get a start. I spent a lot of time writing about hating to write it down. I got in there and he did let me talk about a couple "fluff" items before we dug in. I think he knows that I need that...but he's going to limit it. As he said, he enjoys it too, but he let it go on for too long. So, we talked about my mom going back to work, how I wanted to go to the Giants/Angels game last night and what was going on with my SP.

Then I told him I wrote stuff down and why I didn't want to read it and my reservations. One thing I said was that yes, I could read what was going through my head a half hour ago and it would be true...but my fear is that the writing could come across as forces, rehearsed and not real. Then I dug into much of what I have been writing here the past couple days.

Funny thing how that works. It was never comfortable and it didn't feel like it was relief or that I was glad to have said any of it, maybe that will come in time. The "funny" part was I thought I was headed in one direction and I ended up someplace totally different. I know I said stuff I have NEVER said to him before. Heck, I don't think I ever said it to anyone before. I am not even sure I really and truly knew on a conscious level what I told him.

Now if I can even remember it myself! I was speaking about all the good things in my life and yet still very much feeling as if I am a waste of space. That lead into me saying something about not belonging and the whys which lead to the feeling of disappointment and how I won't allow myself to experience disappointment. Then things are a bit of a blur. In fact, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out if we hugged at the end of the session because I didn't remember it. I need to work on that one!

More Rambling Thoughts...

On April 22nd, it will be three years since I went to the Remuda Ranch LIFE program. It seems hard to believe. That was the hardest 60 days of my life and I don’t think it was worth the money it cost to send me. Part of it was my fault; my motivation for going wasn’t the best. In the end, I still ended up losing part of my job and then my apartment. So, I move back home and soon after, my mom tried to kill herself. I don’t think I was ready to take on that much stress after 60 rough days of treatment. The whole thing sent me into a spiral I almost gave in to. Thank God (literally) He sent some awesome people into my life that gave me a place to escape to for a week and got me out of the situation. That trip probably saved my life.

I just don’t know what my problem is lately. Not even lately…pretty much all the time. I may be only working PT, but I have really come to love my job in Children’s Ministry and feel so blessed that I am volunteering with our Junior Highers. Except for the financial aspect, I am in the best possible place I can be. I do pray about if I should look for a FT position and I have no sense at all I am to leave. This does not disappoint me in the least. Would I love the chance so I could move out or even better, move away? Yup. But, it is not worth going against what I feel is God’s will. It won’t do any of us any good and would probably lead me right back down paths I really can’t afford to go down. Okay, I know it is all a matter of choice and I get that. But, though it may sound like a cop out, opening the door to ED does not always make it seem as if choice comes into the picture at all.

I feel so stupid for feeling about myself the way I do. Rob would get on me for saying I feel stupid because I am once again judging my feelings…but I DO feel stupid. There is so much good stuff going on and yet most days I can’t stand the sight of myself, I can’t stand that I take up space on this earth and I wish either I would have OD’d when I had the chance or that the ED would have killed me long ago.

The totally stupid thing about all that is there is no “good” reason for any of it. Funny thing, I can hear Rob’s voice telling me to stop judging my feelings and there IS a reason for it…all I have to do is look to the woman that gave birth to me and how she has always made me feel unimportant, unloved and very, very, very unwanted. The thing is I know there is a place deep down where I don’t believe it, or at least I know that can’t always be true otherwise I don’t think I could ever be successful at what I do. Either that or I have the wool pulled over everyone’s eyes. Believe me that thought rambles through my head every so often.

Some of this reflection is a total result of the last few weeks in our sessions, but there is more. I really can’t and won’t go into details…but my SP is having a very hard time with some family stuff. It is calling into question not only who a family member is…but who HE is. I think what he is going through has really thrown him into tailspin and I really understand that. It is also a lesson about putting people up on a pedestal. Eventually, they are going to disappoint you. The disappointment may be unintentional or without thought…but as Depeche Mode says, “people are people.”

The biggest question is why can’t I say any of this out loud?? My guess? It makes it all real.

Countdown to The OC...

I know I am probably anticipating this trip a little too much. I know I need to be concentrating on other things, but as I sit here and listen to my Disney podcasts (you really need to add 1313 South Harbor Radio to your podcasts...it is all the sounds from every area of Disneyland) April 21st can't get here fast enough. There is just so much for me to do besides the conference I am attending. There are my friends, Disneyland, and almost most importantly...my chiropractor. Not just for the adjustments (although I am looking forward to those), but just for his physical presence. I really miss him a lot.

The first few nights I am staying in Irvine, CA. Got a great deal from priceline.com and then I am staying with a friend and her husband. Anna was one of my youth group kids/student leaders way back when. Way back when we were just close enough (10 years) in age to end up really good friends. Unlike now when I al old enough to be my kids' mom! They live about 10 minutes from Saddleback and I don't have to get on the 5 or the toll roads to get there.

But, I also think I am using it as a distraction. Things with Rob are not going so well. He is taking responsibility for letting certain stuff go one for too long (our "fun talk")...but I think he is wrong. He keeps telling me I am really good at getting off the subject into something "safer" so who know? Maybe he does share a part in the "mess" we have found ourselves in. We had another "talk" yesterday because I stayed on the surface. Well...HE says that...I don't agree. He is probably right because he pulled out an email I sent to him a couple weeks ago and what I said there I could "never" say out loud.

That's what we ended up talking about yesterday. I told him I feel so stupid because I can write it, but I can't speak it. I can leave it all on paper and just ignore what is going inside when I walk into his office. I am not sure WHY though. I trust him, I feel safe in the office and I know I can tell him anything...but yet what we usually talk about can be shallow at times. I told him maybe speaking all of that "stuff" makes it real and if it is emailed than it is just words on the screen or words on a page after it is printed.

He talks about taking a break. I know if I do that, I will never go back. Not only will I never go back to him...I will never go back at all. The sad fact is, while I am 18 months purge free and 17 months SI free...much of it is because of the built in accountability I have because of Rob and Toni. Then again, I haven't tried things out without him so maybe not. I think I would probably slip out of spite. Slip as in giving in once...not a relapse. We'll have a 10 day break when I go to the OC, but I know he means more than that. Besides, when I am there I am with friends, I am where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am loved and where he is still just a phone call or email away.

We talked about how much I don't want to have to write stuff down, but that it could be a jumping off point for now. I don't HAVE to do it, but either way I need to come in Thursday ready to go deep into all the gunk. I don't think he understands how scary it is.

There are some days that I wonder if part of this isn't due to not being on meds. I wish I could pinpoint it for sure. I have been off meds for just over two years now. I had to for financial reasons and he never brings them up so I am guessing he thinks I don't need them, but I'm not sure. I know my mother would pay for it if I asked her if I could be evaluated...but I think I figure if I am not planning my own demise then I don't need them. Then again, the last time I was so depressed I almost DID make an attempt, I was on meds. I just feel like I have this constant lowish level of depression that may make any movement in therapy difficult.

Thursday should be interesting to say the least!

iTunes Meme

After seeing this all over the place...I decided "why not?"

HOW MANY SONGS?
505

SORT BY SONG TITLE:
First = Above All — Rebecca St. James
Last = Your Grace is Enough — Chris Tomlin

SORT BY TIME:
Longest = Down Once More/Track Down this Murderer (Phantom of the Opera Movie soundtrack) 12:48
Shortest = The Mustard (Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Once More with Feeling") :19

SORT BY ALBUM:
First = Abbey Road Sessions - Steven Curtis Chapman
Last = Veggie Rocks! - Veggie Tales

TOP FIVE MOST PLAYED SONGS:
1. Seasons of Love - Rent Soundtrack
2. Over and Over - Nelly & Tim McGraw
3. Open Skies - David Crowder Band
4. Pretty Vegas - INXS
5. Indescribable - Chris Tomlin

FIRST TEN SONGS THAT COMES UP ON SHUFFLE:
1. Pretty Vegas - INXS
2. Seasons of Love - Rent
3. Disappear (live) - Jars of Clay
4. You'll See - Rent
5. Breathe - Kathryn Scott (The Best Worhip Songs Ever)
6. Phantom of the Opera - Phantom of the Opera soundtrack
7. All My Tears - Jars of Clay and Ashley Cleveland (iTunes original)
8. Voice Mail #3 - Rent
9. I Should Tell You - Rent
10. Love Heals -Rent

RANDOM WORD SEARCHES
search for “jesus.” how many songs? – 13
search for “death.” how many songs? – 0
search for “love.” how many songs? – 21

Harvest Crusade!!!

I am so excited! I have known about this for a little over a month, but as we are now one month closer to the event and we get ready to start making calls to local churches, I am getting even more excited!

When I lived in So Cal, I attended many Crusades with youth, alone, as a follow up counselor, etc. So, when I found out at last month's YM Network meeting they would be coming up here I was thrilled. I think it is something that our area needs and can have a real impact in our valley. The follow up from the Crusades is awesome and people will only fall through the cracks if they choose to. Each person who makes a decsion will be steered toward a church in their community and if they came with a friend, they will be steered toward that church.

"Amplify" is the youth night and that is where I am mainly plugged in (ofr course). We'll bring our kids (at least I am planning on it...a lot can happen between now and October), but I am also helping out with calling churches and whatever else they want us to do. Having been to many in Anaheim, I think I can be helpful. Our contact from Harvest Crusades is awesome and is going to be great to work with.

It is absolutely amazing to see what God has done since NYWC. I knew coming off that experience that my role in YM was going to change from what it has been for the past 15 years...but I wasn't sure how. I knew that while I may be hands on with students in some capacity that God was going to lead me into roles where I am encouraging and supporting other YW and I feel like it is happening...through what is going on with camp, Harvest Crusades and whatever else may be thrown my way. Pretty nifty stuff!

Thanks, Len!

A Bit Of Both You are 50% Calvin and 50% Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 42% on calvin You scored higher than 25% on hobbes

Link: The Calvin Or Hobbes Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

The Bad and The Ugly...

As I said last week or was it the week before...this would be in the wrong order when you read the titles (The Good, the Bad and the Ugly). That's okay though.

Where do I start? My aunt and uncle from WA came down for a few days to visit. I have known this for a few weeks and have had plenty of time to dread the fact. The last time I saw my uncle was the year after his best friend molested me. I wrote a letter to my uncle several years after the fact. In the last year or so, the two men have rekindled their friendship. I sort of see both sides of this whole thing, but I am still unamused about their relationship.

Their visit started out okay. By the end of the first night, I was really glad to see them. That carried over to the second night. Then came Saturday night and "the ugly."

My mom is not supposed to drink. As many know, alcohol and anti-d's do NOT mix. The last time she was drunk...she came home and OD'd. But, I was driving (her driving scared their dog...and for good reason) so she decided to toss common sense out the window. We had a wait at the restaurant and so we were in the bar. I had a Coke and the rest of them had beer, wine and/or VO and water. I raised my eyebrows to my mom but she told me she'd only have a glass or two. Well, that two turned into three and ended up somewhere between 6-8 glasses when all was said and done.

My grandmother was not yet drunk so she knew how freaked I was. She asked me if I wanted her to spend the night. I told her no (which is a good thing because she ended up really drunk) that I would just take her pills and put them in my roon when I got home. My aunt and uncle kept telling me to relax and allow my mom to have fun. HA! I had to be up Sunday AM and didn't want to wake up to finding her dead.

So, the drunker my grandmother got the more she had to lay into her ex-husband (father of her kids) which my uncle really didn't want to rehash. We learned that he belittled my uncle until the day he died and my uncle kept reminding my grandmother he is not his father. Then came the "revelation" that my uncle was my grandmother's face (first born and all) and my other uncle was her 1st husband's fave. Oh...and offering to raise the offspring of your children runs in my family. I guess my great grandparent's wanted to raise my uncle and when I was a kid my grandmother always begged to raise me.

We got home and I took the pills and put them in my room. My mom told me I didn't have to worry. A few minutes later she tells my aunt that it's a good thing I did because when it comes to good times like this she doesn't want them to end. And suicide is going to help the good times keep going??? OOOOOK.

The Good...

Sunday afternoon ended another weekend at camp. This one was complete with snow on the summit, thunder, lightning and hail Friday night, rain and more rain Saturday and Sunday...BUT...NO rain during free time!!!! God is so good! Again, that was my prayer the weekend. As long as the kids can get out and do their thing from 1-5 Saturday we are in great shape!

I realized I am doing these entries backwards...but oh well! :)

I ended up being the contact person at camp. It made sense because I had no kids this weekend and could be available for any problems pretty much 24/7...well you know what I mean. This meant I locked up and night, unlocked in the morning, got any cabin concerns to our weekend Host, etc. It pretty much went right along with my duties of running the leaders' meetings. It actually made more sense that way. I could have had a leadership cottage, but chose to stay in a regular cabin (all to myself) instead.

Saturday lunch I found myself helping in the kitchen. The food is brought down from the main conference center. Some of it is already plated for the tables or in bowls and then some of it the kitchen staff has to get ready. The kids come in for KP about 15 minutes before the meal. I had so much fun. It used to be a favorite thing for me to do at Angeles Crest...but some of that was ED related. In fact, I used to eat with the work crew and staff because it was a little easier. It's just really a fun thing to do. You have hungry campers and the sooner we can get the kids to get their trays the better. Mount Hermon has pretty good camp food so the kids ate...a lot. I have always loved camp ministry and the summer I was Program Director was such good training in YM.

Back to back weekends was really tiring though. Even though I didn't have kids, just doing behind the scenes work was just as exhausting.

I was very affirmed at this retreat. Not that I was looking for it or even expected it...but people were watching and I guess my gift of administration came shining through more than I thought/intended/realized. I was told that because of it, the bulk of the committee work would be mine for now on and that I may be the contact person. I can live with that! I think we have all been on auto-pilot too long with this retreat and the high school retreat.

Cows CAN Skate!!!

$5.00 for three hours (including skates) is a great price! I pulled up to the rink...one I haven't stepped foot in since I was 11 years when I came to sell my skates to buy an Atari. It is so rundown it's not even funny. The carpet and snack bar tables are the same ones that were there when I was 7. I got my skates and talked to the owner about my distaste for rental skats because you can't skate like normal. He agreed and looked for a decent pair to give me. I was the only one there.

I got my skates, went to "my" table and put them on. I got up, skated to the edge of the rink and was shocked at the condition of the floor. Gone were the bold, black figure circles against the smooth, white floor. The floor was scuffed, needed to be redone and there was a huge piece of plastic where there must be a leak in the roof. I skate...very slowly as if I had not spent almost 4 years with quad skates growing out of my feet. I fell...once. It hurt. It STILL hurts. I got back up and shook it off.

By the end of hour number one I was skating forward at full speed with some tentative backward skating. No crossovers...but I was backward and I was upright. By the end of 90 minutes I was skating backard at full speed and doing some crossovers. I tried to spin...not on rentals! Ugh! I managed one revolution. I REALLY wabted to do a waltz jump, but in those boots I would fall and hurt myself.

After the first 45 minutes or so, two high school girls came in and I admit, I was THRILLED when I could out skate them! They ended up being realy sweet, told me I skated really well and anted me to teach them to skate backward! I didn't last the whole three hours. Two and a half hours in I was done.

I want to go back. $5 is so cheap. I want my own skates. They'll cost me $225. Anyone wanting to give to the "Let's Make Sure Deneice is Not a Cow for Long" fund, let me know! :) I will try and save and get the pair by the end of the year. I am going to ask the owner to watch out for used boots because he said he'd cut me a good deal.

They offer adult lessons on Monday nights. $7.50 including the session afterward. I know I am too old to pick up where I left off...but if I could pass that final figure test I'd be happy. I only took it once and everyone told me that it was rare to pass it the first time...plus I was only 10.

Did I Ever Tell You?

I used to roller skate. Nothing major. Before an injury (okay...I broke my tibia, fibula and cracked my femur) when I was 10 I did manage to get my first three dance tests done and passed two of the three required figure tests. I probably could have passed my first freestyle (they don't ask much...or didn't back then), too. After my leg finally healed (I was in a cast from May to August and had surgery) my mom wouldn't let me go back. That, my friends, is why I am a theater geek!

Anyway, as I have been tripping down Memory Lane with Rob the last few weeks this came up. I hadn't talked about it in a very long time. It was a great time in my life (mixed in with some of the abandonment stuff we have been exploring) and had a lot of fun. I miss having my own skates because let's face it...rentals are a fate wrose than death! They have gone up in price so much that unless I plan to take lessons again for fun...it's not worth it.

But, in a little over and hour they have an Open Skate happening where I used to go (three name changes ago) and I think I am going to check it out.

Pray!!!!

So...I Lied...

Forget the Oscars...I want to talk about the Get Away Camp this past weekend. It is a much better subject!

The weekend was awesome. I was worried about rain. That was my prayer and the prayers of those at the camp...that the weather would at least hold during free time! It held from when we got there Friday until we left Sunday. It sprinkled just before we left and really rained all the way home.

The first picture is my cabin. I had my three girls and then five "independents." They give them to me because they figure I can handle it! :) They were great kids and by dinner it was like they were all "my" kids.

Next is Natalie. She became a Christian Saturday night...but this is her on the archery range.

We couldn't play field games because of the rain so we played group games indoors and this was the mummy contest. Since Carrissa was the youngest/smallest kid we chose to make her into a mummy.

I had one boy (poor Chad) come up to camp and because there were 180+ campers...I saw him maybe twice all weekend! "Cabana Boy" was his leader and told me Chad did great during the weekend.

The last picture was taken during one of our worship sessions.

The theme was "Wild Ride" and the speaker was awesome! He is the Marketing Director at Angeles Crest Christian Camp...where I used to take my kids when I was at the CC and RCCC. Back then he did out T-shirts...but he was also a speaker...I had just never heard Keith speak until this camp. The band was great and the whole Mount Hermon staff was so wonderful.

I loved sitting back and watching my older kids serve the younger ones when they didn't know anyone was looking or didn't care if anyone was looking! One counselor sent a little kid with all big tray of all their dirty dishes back to the kitchen and of course the kid dropped it. Before I could step in, "G" popped in from out of "nowhere" and helped the kid pick stuff up and bring it into the kitchen. All these other kids that were around did nothing and she didn't hesitate.

They took partners wherever they went (i.e. the bathroom...even in the middle of the night) and made sure no one was left behind. Woo hoo!

The Oscars

I got back from camp a few hours before The Oscars so I am still tired and sore. I will say I am so excited "Crash" won! More later...

Not Alone...

Today was an interesting day in therapy. The last few weeks have been a stroll down memory lane. Why? Well...it started out as abandonment issues but it appears as if it is slowly evolving from that to me not believing I have any right to want or need anything. The message growing up (one of them) is that I want too much. What is that too much? When I was younger...not so sure...probably just to have my mother be present. When I was older? I wanted my mom to be at my plays, be home when I left for my senior prom, to come to Parents' Weekend at college, etc. One memory touches off another one and I am having a hard time feeling anything about it. I'm stuck because I keep asking myself (and Rob) what is so wrong with me that she couldn't give me those simple things. I got a ton of material things and she made sure of that when she missed a play (flowers opening night, etc.)...but I didn't want those things.

Rob doesn't often share much about himself. I know...that is not his job, but I like to see little glimpses into his life. Today I was blessed with a nugget from his own childhood. When he was a kid, his dad and stepmom dropped him and his little brother off at the YMCA while they had a date night. The YMCA closed before his parents were done with their date and he and his little brother were stuck outside, alone in the dark until they were picked up. When they got in the car...no one even apologized for being so late. He also played baseball as a kid and he said that his dad maybe came to 1-2 gmes. The odd thing is I feel so sad that he had to go through that as a kid and know he didn't deserve it, but I look at similar examples in my own life and write it off to be being a complete loser/leech/awful bad person.

I told him that my mom couldn't be bothered to come to my stuff and yet I will move heaven and earth to try to get to things that the youth and/or children do at my church and they aren't my kids! I told him that when John played volleyball that I went to one of his two weekly games, but either his mom or dad was at EVERY game...as it should be. Rob said that unless there is a crisis with someone at work, he would never dream of missing anything his kids do.

I know I am not the only one who has gone through this. I think that is part of my problem. How can I even dare to be hurt and/or disappointed when others go through this and at least I got "stuff" to compensate? I don't think Rob quite hears me when I say I think back to all that stuff and believe it all happened because I simply exist. He hears it, but I think he tries to come back quickly that it isn't me and loses how deeply rooted the rest is in my being. I hate what happened to him and hate that it happens to kids all around us.

I LOVE the fact that I am in a church that honors our children and youth. I see others at plays and recitals and games...even though they are not involved in Children's Ministry or Youth Ministry...and smile. They get it. They honor our kids and are there to be Jesus with skin on and in spite of my frustrations about my job at times...what a place to serve!

Where Does the Time Go???

I looked at the date of my last blog entry. The 23rd??? Seems like it was a lot sooner than that...but I guess not.

This weekend I am taking 4 of our 4th and 5th graders up to Mount Hermon's Redwood Camp for the Junior Get Away! It is supposed to rain buckets...but it should be a lot of fun. I am looking forward to it. I get to go back next week because of our Presbytery Jr. High Retreat...but we aren't taking any kids. Ugh! The kids loved it last year so I don't know what the deal is now. Oh well...more time for me! :)

It's been an interesting ride becoming a volunteer again. I like it...and it is very much the way it was when I was a volunteer at the CC. I was a volunteer...BUT...what I did as a volunteer was a different than what the other volunteers were doing. More planning, more leading, etc. I don't mind it...just a little weird!

Last Saturday was the first Core I attended as a volunteer in a long time. I'll post about that later. I am still processing it. I left really frustrated and that has never happened before. I'm trying to figure out why and how much of is me and how much of it is the event itself.