Friday, March 31, 2006

The Day After...

I think if I would have actually had anything in my stomach yesterday it would have come back up...without any help from myself. Even though I know what Rob expects is a GOOD anxiety level was through the roof.

Part of my anxiety was from the very fact of starting to have to really open up. Not that in the past 3+ years I haven't opened up...but really go into the core of everything. It i not that I haven't been there before. But it is this fear I have. I open up and something happens to make the therapy relationship end. It's happened twice. Once was totally out of my control and the second was when I moved to Indiana. I know in my head that probably nothng will happen...but the fear is there. Part of the anxiety stems from the emotions coming up and the fear of not being able to handle them.

I sat in the car before I went into the office to go ahead and write least enough to get a start. I spent a lot of time writing about hating to write it down. I got in there and he did let me talk about a couple "fluff" items before we dug in. I think he knows that I need that...but he's going to limit it. As he said, he enjoys it too, but he let it go on for too long. So, we talked about my mom going back to work, how I wanted to go to the Giants/Angels game last night and what was going on with my SP.

Then I told him I wrote stuff down and why I didn't want to read it and my reservations. One thing I said was that yes, I could read what was going through my head a half hour ago and it would be true...but my fear is that the writing could come across as forces, rehearsed and not real. Then I dug into much of what I have been writing here the past couple days.

Funny thing how that works. It was never comfortable and it didn't feel like it was relief or that I was glad to have said any of it, maybe that will come in time. The "funny" part was I thought I was headed in one direction and I ended up someplace totally different. I know I said stuff I have NEVER said to him before. Heck, I don't think I ever said it to anyone before. I am not even sure I really and truly knew on a conscious level what I told him.

Now if I can even remember it myself! I was speaking about all the good things in my life and yet still very much feeling as if I am a waste of space. That lead into me saying something about not belonging and the whys which lead to the feeling of disappointment and how I won't allow myself to experience disappointment. Then things are a bit of a blur. In fact, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out if we hugged at the end of the session because I didn't remember it. I need to work on that one!


Friar Tuck said...

With emotions, when you are used to not going deep and being really open, it is really difficult because it is hard to control.

It is like mining for oil. It is like you have built up all this pressure underneath that is uncomfortable, but in control. You know that once you tap into that uncomfortable place a gusher just might erupt that has more power and control that you think you have the ability to deal with.

Or like having the flu and feeling like you have to pass gas. It might just be an innocent toot that needs to be let go of, or it may be that you need to sit on the toilet for a half of an hour. You know you have to do something, but you want to know exactly what, and if you are in a safe place to do it where you are not going to end up soiled and embarrassed.

Ok the second picture was a little bit more scatological than you might enjoy...

Anywhoo....although I dont know your situation in depth, I can relate.

Joann said...

Take care.