Thursday, March 02, 2006

Not Alone...

Today was an interesting day in therapy. The last few weeks have been a stroll down memory lane. Why? started out as abandonment issues but it appears as if it is slowly evolving from that to me not believing I have any right to want or need anything. The message growing up (one of them) is that I want too much. What is that too much? When I was younger...not so sure...probably just to have my mother be present. When I was older? I wanted my mom to be at my plays, be home when I left for my senior prom, to come to Parents' Weekend at college, etc. One memory touches off another one and I am having a hard time feeling anything about it. I'm stuck because I keep asking myself (and Rob) what is so wrong with me that she couldn't give me those simple things. I got a ton of material things and she made sure of that when she missed a play (flowers opening night, etc.)...but I didn't want those things.

Rob doesn't often share much about himself. I know...that is not his job, but I like to see little glimpses into his life. Today I was blessed with a nugget from his own childhood. When he was a kid, his dad and stepmom dropped him and his little brother off at the YMCA while they had a date night. The YMCA closed before his parents were done with their date and he and his little brother were stuck outside, alone in the dark until they were picked up. When they got in the one even apologized for being so late. He also played baseball as a kid and he said that his dad maybe came to 1-2 gmes. The odd thing is I feel so sad that he had to go through that as a kid and know he didn't deserve it, but I look at similar examples in my own life and write it off to be being a complete loser/leech/awful bad person.

I told him that my mom couldn't be bothered to come to my stuff and yet I will move heaven and earth to try to get to things that the youth and/or children do at my church and they aren't my kids! I told him that when John played volleyball that I went to one of his two weekly games, but either his mom or dad was at EVERY it should be. Rob said that unless there is a crisis with someone at work, he would never dream of missing anything his kids do.

I know I am not the only one who has gone through this. I think that is part of my problem. How can I even dare to be hurt and/or disappointed when others go through this and at least I got "stuff" to compensate? I don't think Rob quite hears me when I say I think back to all that stuff and believe it all happened because I simply exist. He hears it, but I think he tries to come back quickly that it isn't me and loses how deeply rooted the rest is in my being. I hate what happened to him and hate that it happens to kids all around us.

I LOVE the fact that I am in a church that honors our children and youth. I see others at plays and recitals and games...even though they are not involved in Children's Ministry or Youth Ministry...and smile. They get it. They honor our kids and are there to be Jesus with skin on and in spite of my frustrations about my job at times...what a place to serve!


Friar Tuck said...

I am not sure that every is as important to me as it is too some parents...but I think MOST would be important.

My mom tried to make it to most things local, but did not travel much to see me except my senior year.

My sister, while she was quite a bit more involved there at every level, and sometimes that hurts.

What I here you saying here is that you were not the priority, your parents put themselves first when they should put their kids first.

Joann said...

Not sure if Dr. Laura is scary for you but:

Her new book, "Bad Childhood, Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood" might help. might be worth a try. All you would be out would be a bit of money.

Dreaming again said...

Hey D,

Sigh. This hit close to the bone today. :(
I want my Daddy. (not the one that's in CA, the one that's gone.)
((((((((((((( D )))))))))))))))

You're in my prayers, friend, sister.

Da Youth Guy said...

Hey there,
I don't want you to feel like I'm blowing by the issue like it feels Rob has been doing but the first thing I'd tell one of my youth (and I bet you would too) is:

This is NOT because of some failing of yours. This is because of a failing of HERS.

We want our parents to be "perfect". Neither of mine were (God rest their souls)and there's part of me that was angry about that for a long time. In the end, especially with my dad, I had to accept that he was who he was and did the best he could. I realized that I needed to forgive them in my heart. I managed that while they were alive.

I should shut up now because I'm not qualified to counsel you or anyone. But I will repeat:


God loves you and so do we.