Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Countdown to The OC...

I know I am probably anticipating this trip a little too much. I know I need to be concentrating on other things, but as I sit here and listen to my Disney podcasts (you really need to add 1313 South Harbor Radio to your podcasts...it is all the sounds from every area of Disneyland) April 21st can't get here fast enough. There is just so much for me to do besides the conference I am attending. There are my friends, Disneyland, and almost most importantly...my chiropractor. Not just for the adjustments (although I am looking forward to those), but just for his physical presence. I really miss him a lot.

The first few nights I am staying in Irvine, CA. Got a great deal from priceline.com and then I am staying with a friend and her husband. Anna was one of my youth group kids/student leaders way back when. Way back when we were just close enough (10 years) in age to end up really good friends. Unlike now when I al old enough to be my kids' mom! They live about 10 minutes from Saddleback and I don't have to get on the 5 or the toll roads to get there.

But, I also think I am using it as a distraction. Things with Rob are not going so well. He is taking responsibility for letting certain stuff go one for too long (our "fun talk")...but I think he is wrong. He keeps telling me I am really good at getting off the subject into something "safer" so who know? Maybe he does share a part in the "mess" we have found ourselves in. We had another "talk" yesterday because I stayed on the surface. Well...HE says that...I don't agree. He is probably right because he pulled out an email I sent to him a couple weeks ago and what I said there I could "never" say out loud.

That's what we ended up talking about yesterday. I told him I feel so stupid because I can write it, but I can't speak it. I can leave it all on paper and just ignore what is going inside when I walk into his office. I am not sure WHY though. I trust him, I feel safe in the office and I know I can tell him anything...but yet what we usually talk about can be shallow at times. I told him maybe speaking all of that "stuff" makes it real and if it is emailed than it is just words on the screen or words on a page after it is printed.

He talks about taking a break. I know if I do that, I will never go back. Not only will I never go back to him...I will never go back at all. The sad fact is, while I am 18 months purge free and 17 months SI free...much of it is because of the built in accountability I have because of Rob and Toni. Then again, I haven't tried things out without him so maybe not. I think I would probably slip out of spite. Slip as in giving in once...not a relapse. We'll have a 10 day break when I go to the OC, but I know he means more than that. Besides, when I am there I am with friends, I am where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am loved and where he is still just a phone call or email away.

We talked about how much I don't want to have to write stuff down, but that it could be a jumping off point for now. I don't HAVE to do it, but either way I need to come in Thursday ready to go deep into all the gunk. I don't think he understands how scary it is.

There are some days that I wonder if part of this isn't due to not being on meds. I wish I could pinpoint it for sure. I have been off meds for just over two years now. I had to for financial reasons and he never brings them up so I am guessing he thinks I don't need them, but I'm not sure. I know my mother would pay for it if I asked her if I could be evaluated...but I think I figure if I am not planning my own demise then I don't need them. Then again, the last time I was so depressed I almost DID make an attempt, I was on meds. I just feel like I have this constant lowish level of depression that may make any movement in therapy difficult.

Thursday should be interesting to say the least!


Friar Tuck said...

Rob is the counselor?

Dreaming again said...

Ugh ...ugh ... unfortuneately, you know how well I identify with this.

I hope you do dig deep, for you. I will be praying for you. Earnestly.