Wednesday, March 29, 2006

More Rambling Thoughts...

On April 22nd, it will be three years since I went to the Remuda Ranch LIFE program. It seems hard to believe. That was the hardest 60 days of my life and I don’t think it was worth the money it cost to send me. Part of it was my fault; my motivation for going wasn’t the best. In the end, I still ended up losing part of my job and then my apartment. So, I move back home and soon after, my mom tried to kill herself. I don’t think I was ready to take on that much stress after 60 rough days of treatment. The whole thing sent me into a spiral I almost gave in to. Thank God (literally) He sent some awesome people into my life that gave me a place to escape to for a week and got me out of the situation. That trip probably saved my life.

I just don’t know what my problem is lately. Not even lately…pretty much all the time. I may be only working PT, but I have really come to love my job in Children’s Ministry and feel so blessed that I am volunteering with our Junior Highers. Except for the financial aspect, I am in the best possible place I can be. I do pray about if I should look for a FT position and I have no sense at all I am to leave. This does not disappoint me in the least. Would I love the chance so I could move out or even better, move away? Yup. But, it is not worth going against what I feel is God’s will. It won’t do any of us any good and would probably lead me right back down paths I really can’t afford to go down. Okay, I know it is all a matter of choice and I get that. But, though it may sound like a cop out, opening the door to ED does not always make it seem as if choice comes into the picture at all.

I feel so stupid for feeling about myself the way I do. Rob would get on me for saying I feel stupid because I am once again judging my feelings…but I DO feel stupid. There is so much good stuff going on and yet most days I can’t stand the sight of myself, I can’t stand that I take up space on this earth and I wish either I would have OD’d when I had the chance or that the ED would have killed me long ago.

The totally stupid thing about all that is there is no “good” reason for any of it. Funny thing, I can hear Rob’s voice telling me to stop judging my feelings and there IS a reason for it…all I have to do is look to the woman that gave birth to me and how she has always made me feel unimportant, unloved and very, very, very unwanted. The thing is I know there is a place deep down where I don’t believe it, or at least I know that can’t always be true otherwise I don’t think I could ever be successful at what I do. Either that or I have the wool pulled over everyone’s eyes. Believe me that thought rambles through my head every so often.

Some of this reflection is a total result of the last few weeks in our sessions, but there is more. I really can’t and won’t go into details…but my SP is having a very hard time with some family stuff. It is calling into question not only who a family member is…but who HE is. I think what he is going through has really thrown him into tailspin and I really understand that. It is also a lesson about putting people up on a pedestal. Eventually, they are going to disappoint you. The disappointment may be unintentional or without thought…but as Depeche Mode says, “people are people.”

The biggest question is why can’t I say any of this out loud?? My guess? It makes it all real.

3 comments:

Dreaming again said...

It's been right about 6 years or so since I wandered on to SF ... where we 'met' ... and I was never going to go into treatment ..ever. I liked having an eating disorder ... I liked being in my box ..and I wasn't ever going to come out.

I wouldn't be where I am today if not for you ...I've told you that before, and I will tell you that again, I'm sure. The biggest part of the reason I finally believed that God had more for me than the ED was because of you ... you're not pulling the wool over anyone's eyes ... the real you is beautiful and kind, and wonderful and desirable ...and powerful in the Kingdom of God!

Friar Tuck said...

I think there is power in speaking something. Power for healing and power to really mess things up.

Your sense of the power of speaking things aloud is right on. Maybe that is why you need to do it.

JanetteP said...

hi,
i saw in your blog that you said that you have been to Remuda - me, too!! except i was there alot longer ago than you ('99). anyway, i just wanted to say hi and feel free to email me (if you like) - i know there can never be too much support :-)
-jaye-