...of my eating disorder

"Let's see...it says...what can I make her do today?" I am convinced that what the monster thinks as I get out of bed each morning. Unlike some people with eating disorders...I don't call mine "Ana" or "Mia" and being ED-NOS it doesn't have a "cutesy" name like the others. But, just like everyone else...it is very much like someone who is with you that you can't escape until you do its bidding. So, let's look at a day in the life of one of my worst days last spring.

March 28, 2003

A day not much different than any other day. The voice screming in my head to not eat or purge whatever I had decided to put in my body. But, I had laser tag that night with the high school group and I HAD to be upright and not dizzy for it.

So, after being "good" all day and keeping the monster at bay, I decided to do as my dieitican had asked and have a slice of pizza with my salad that night. I chose the smallest piece possible of a mushrrom and olive pizza and tried to enjoy it. But the doubt was settling in. How could I put THAT into my body. Ewwwwww.... No chance to get it out...too many people. If I am going to purge it is in the privacy of my own apartment. However, even that small piece of pizza has such "power" over me I was either really feeling nauseous or let ED take control. I thought I could be "normal" for just one evening.

The eating disorder was not going to let me get away with it though...

?You stupid bitch...you just had to have that piece of pizza...you couldn?t just stick with lettuce and cucumbers...no...you had to do it and now see how you feel. It?s not worth it is it? So, what are we going to do to take care of it? Skip food tomorrow? Go home and take the razor blade to your stomach again? You know that there is no way you stayed under 500 calories a day...how could you be so stupid. The weight you lost this week is going to be back tomorrow. Don?t pull any of that ?fluid shift? crap because it won?t be true. You are a fat pig and you just proved that tonight. No one who knows about you will actually call you fat to your face...but they all know you are and you are fixing that, but tonight you just blew it...you proved you have no self control and are destined to go through life a beached whale.?

Only way to shut it up is to not eat tomorrow...or stick to the carrots...because it?s true. So I proved I could do it...great...not worth the pain I am in right now and not worth the punishment I?ll give myself the next week. I don?t deserve food...I don?t...if I ever get the whale that is me to the gym I can hasten my disappearing act.

Feeling what bones I can feel right now is so I don?t know...comforting...reassuring me that I am disappearing...but I need to do more...they aren?t visible enough under all this fat.

So, I again give in to ED and push myself for the next several days and not eat...only consume water...the high of having that much "willpower" as those around me indulged in food give way to a feeling of superiority.

"See?" ED says. "Without me you are a pathetic excuse for a human being." You need me...you need me to keep you in line, to remind you of what you are and to eventually bring you the peace you want as I take your life on piece at a time. No sleep tonight and remember, you have a full day tomorrow!"