Forward Progress????? ME????

The last couple weeks, while waiting to meet with my SP have been stressful (duh)...but not a smuch as I realized. I made it through only cutting once (and then Rob told me yet again that he may not be able to treat me if I continue to cut and refuse to discuss it) and no purging! Okay, I tried once...but my body rebelled and I ended up on the floor doubled over in a lot of pain...don't think I will be trying that again soon!

So, I was feeling anxious...no secret...but I guess I couldn't have expressed it that well or the thoughts of it "really" meaning that I had to justify my existence...because over the past two weeks my stomach has slowly been turning (not literally) inside out...finally rendering me this past week into a big ball o'pain.

As a side note...meeting went really well.

Anyway...it dawned on me Tuesday as I was trying to have lunch with a friend and trying to keep said 1/2 sandwich managed to choke down...down...that this has happened before. It used to happen before I was flown out by a church for an interview. The whole week before I was sooooooo sick. MD said it was IBS caused by stress.

This is actually very good news. Know why? I'll tell you...this has not happened to me for THREE years (like to the week)!!!!!!!!!! It happened because I was NOT using ED behaviors! Okay...I'm not barfing a lung, but I am restricting...but that is mainly because eating food hurts...a lot! And my dieitian and I are wroking with the food thing.

Of course yesterday in session, Rob makes me laugh and that made it so bad...then I told him that and he continued to do some really stupid stuff that made me laugh even more. That man...

All in all, I haven't purged now for 2 months (oddly enough...I didn't do that during my last IP stay) and no SI for two weeks. My team is all "giddy" about it...I'm pretty reserved. I have been down this road before and those timeframes are nothing. They want to make a huge deal of it...I don't think it's that big a deal...not yet.

Admittedly...seeing Rob's jaw drop last week when I told him I had almost 2 months (heasks 2x a week...but I don't think the actual length awned on him) and hearing about his call to my dieitian made me feel pretty good and the fact that Toni said he is protective of me...well...it makes me feel safe...but then I feel all this internal presure that I don't wany to let him or Toni and even myself a bit my not being able to hang on to the time.

What it has done is given me a lot to think about as I got "gushed at" this week by the two of them. Naturally, how to keep it up and stuff...but how to turn this slight move forward into what is going to get me working harder in therapy and ready to go back into FT ministry.

That and having to explore the "fun" things in my life like maybe i shoudn't go back into FT ministry because as I look at the anxiety that lead to this IBS attack and the ones from three years ago...much of it comes from what me not getting/keeping the job says about me as a human being...not being able to separate who I am with what I do which has become who I am.

Augh!