Tuesday, June 29, 2004

The Assignment...

So, we talked about the "In-n-Out" incident yesterday and why my mom's reaction hurt me so much. I ended up popping out with "I can never make my mother happy no matter how much I try." Whoa! Not sure if I EVER, EVER, EVER have said that out loud to anyone. It took a good 5 minutes or so to finally say it to Rob. This lead into the comments my grandmother made to me growing up about my mom never being happy as long as I was around and that no man would ever want to marry her as long as she had meso I should go live with her and my grandfather. Couple THAT statement with the fact my mom never did remarry and my feelings of being a total mistake (accident/unplanned/parents had to get married...however you want to put it) and I was on the train to Disassociation-ville.

I guess...well...I KNOW I thought I had come back because we talked...I answered questions...I told him I was present and he gave me an assignment...but as I left and then was processing through it all later, I realized I forgot everything past a certain point. It's kinda scary. Usually he'll get me grounded again or I will do it myself and I'm OK...but it's weird to have lost about 1/4 of the session.

Anyway, I called Rob last night to tell him all this and to get the assignment. He wants me to look at the statements I made and write about them...how they have turned into beliefs I hold about myself, what that has done to me and ask how true can any if it be...ot something like that. I need to look at it again.

The one thing I remember from the beginning fo the session was Rob saying that I am trying to pay back a debt that I cannot repay and that no one can. That we do not have the ability to make a person happy. I get what he means...sorta. I mean I know that (or maybe not) I can't be the be all for my mom's happiness...but I guess I try to make her happy because I exist.

Honestly, my mind is having trouble grasping this stuff. I also feel as if I have this sheltered little world what may not always keep me a happy camper...but I can count on and keeps me "in my place" and Rob is trying to tear me out of that and shatter that world. It terrifies me like you couldn't believe.

1 comment:

Cliff said...

What a heartbreaking thing that happened to you, trapped between your mother and her parents!

Children can pick up so many wrong ideas, and so many adults make it happen on purpose, not knowing that they are damaging someone terribly.

There is a difference between being the cause of a problem and being just a tool. It looks like your grandmother was bending those lines, and you've taken the hit as a result.