Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Day Two...

I am exhausted! In a good way...but I needed more sleep. However, Spike came crying/yelping/howling at my door at 3:15 this morning. I let him in my room, put him on my bed...but he was being a pain so we got up and moved to the couch...where he slept like a baby. Silly puppy! Poor Spike has more shots today and it is so sad. He cries for hours because he is in a lot of pian afterward. He is such a small dog and so it really hurts!

Anger remains the topic of each session. I see no reason for it and think it is dumb. That is a problem...I "know" it is a problem but I see anger as such a waste of energy. Rob sees that comment as such a way to repress and minimize anger. I hate the man! Nah! So, between now and Thursday I need to keep track of my anger and to NOT say to myself I am simply "miffed," "irked" or "annoyed." He wants me to say to myself, "I am mad/angry."

In my life anger was violent and I minimize my own anger because I am afraid it will escalate from miffed to rage in .00000000001 seconds! But, I also judge it and then end up cutting or purging because I get mad at myself for being mad at another person. I judge a lot of my feelings and then punish myself and on and on and on.

A very wise person told me yesterday that anger is so basic. I have such a hard time getting my head around it...but I think he is right. I think I also have a problem with it because I expect myself to be perfect. I KNOW...I really, really KNOW I am NOT perfect and in this life will NEVER be...but to raise my voice in anger, to react to something in anger seems so imperfect. Oh yeah...that is incredibly flawed in so many ways, but I hold these other wacko beliefs:

1. I am bad if I an angry
2. Being angry means being out ofcontrol
3. It is MY fault soI have no reason to be angry
4. Nice people don't get angry
5. Bad things happen when people get angry
6. The consequences will be worse if I show my anger

So, we will keep pounding on this and see where it leads!

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