Tuesday, October 26, 2004

It Hurts to Breathe

I walk into Rob's office and sit down on the couch...I've gone back to sitting on the couch...not sure why. I pick up Frederick and try to breathe. Rob sits in his leather office chair Indian style and says nothing. No smile, no "well?" and for sure no sports talk. I am anxious to the nth degree...take a deep breath and read what I wrote over the weekend.

He thanked me and then wanted to share a few things with me. He thought about flat out terminating me for "definace." That is a new one. I have never been called defiant...but as I think about it...my actions were defiant. But, he is not going to do that...yet. He's still not quite sure what he is going to do...it may be a three strikes and I'm gone...it may be ALL behaviors at which point Toni is going to have to step in because there is NO way I can just all of a sudden eat three meals a day...but it would probably be "only" the SI and the purging (though it has been weeks since the last time I purged). I can live with that.

There is one thing I just don't think he is hearing me on...there are days it hurts just to wake up and function. There are days that I have not come into the office because I can't handle it. I don't how to make it any clearer than that to him.

I feel so much pressure to try and figure out what I want to talk about on Thursday. That's the new thing...I need to come in with an agenda. I think there is so much...that I can't figure out where to start.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

deneice, i know this is really hard, but this is really really good. try not to think of it as having an agenda, try to think of it as having a chance to talk about the stuff that you need to -- a safe place where you can really work on your stuff. rob doing this is creating a safe space for you -- a place for you to be real and to be truthful about what is going on. even though it feels like it isn't safe, it's probably the safest place you have right now. it is okay to feel overwhelmed and to feel like you don't know how to get through the day. you are going to have to feel that in order to heal, there's no way around those feelings. i care about you. call me if you need. and know that as awful as this is, you are making progress. much love. renee