Play...

Play is something that is sorely lacking in my life. I had a college professor who would ask me each week when we met for class (I was the only student) what I was doing for fun. Hmmm...newspaper, radio, sorority, this commitee, that committee, etc. It was "fun," but that was not what he was getting at...he was asking me what I was doing for play. Not a whole lot.

When I was Remuda Ranch in 2000, we had these "Saturday Programs" from 9 until noon. They had some broad topic and one of the therapists would lead the program. It was generally more relaxed than a normal group and was the one time we all did something together rather than in our smaller Home Groups.

One of those programs was on play. I hated it. I found it silly and not worth my time and I felt like an outsider. The beginning...the telling of the importance of play Pam gave us made sense. Many of us there lost the ability to play because of circumstances way beyond our control and haven't been able to get it back. At the end of the "lecture" portion Pam gave us all certificated that were permission to play as adults. Then she brought out the "stuff." Glitter, markers, bubbles, stickers, etc. Unfortunately, I was stuck. I let Amy K. put stickers on my face and think mark it a bit, but I was not getting into it at all.

We moved outside to blow bubbles at which point I just took photos and hung back. Part of me longed to be able to just put my camera down and begin to blow bubbles...but the part of me that says it is silly, immature and that I wasn't there for "that" won out. If the "play" didn't have a purpose...why do it?

I have some adult friends who use the term "come out/over and play." That is so awesome! When I lived in So Cal, they would call me and see if I wanted to come play "Creative Memories" or go out and "play" doing something fun. I did those things and had fun...but I was more than likely the more serious of the people I was with at the time.

I don't know how to get that sense of play back into my life. I do believe that it has to be there and like riding a bike (or horse) you never forget. I just need to be reminded.

In Children's Ministry I have fun...but I don't "play" because I need to make sure the kids are safe when they play. I look at them toss themselves across monkey bars, go up and down the slide with wild abandon, invent new toys from old and at times wonder where that went in me.

Maybe I can re-learn it from the kids I have in my ministry, maybe through the gunk I am doing with Rob twice a week I won't feel it is too late. I want to play and feel silly and have feeling silly be okay.

Maybe I want too much?

Figures...

Switzerland -
A neutral power for as long
as most can remember, it has avoided war for
several centuries. However, it is still
considered highly advanced and a global power.


Positives:

Judicial.

Neutrality.

World-Renouned.

Powerful without Force.

Makes Excellent Watches, Etc.


Negatives:

Target of Ridicule.

Constant Struggle to Avoid Conflict.

Target of Criminal Bank Accounts.



Which Country of the World are You?
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Off to the Windy City

I will not have a week 6 entry as I am getting ready to take off for Chicago today.

See you at the end of the week!

Forward Progress????? ME????

The last couple weeks, while waiting to meet with my SP have been stressful (duh)...but not a smuch as I realized. I made it through only cutting once (and then Rob told me yet again that he may not be able to treat me if I continue to cut and refuse to discuss it) and no purging! Okay, I tried once...but my body rebelled and I ended up on the floor doubled over in a lot of pain...don't think I will be trying that again soon!

So, I was feeling anxious...no secret...but I guess I couldn't have expressed it that well or the thoughts of it "really" meaning that I had to justify my existence...because over the past two weeks my stomach has slowly been turning (not literally) inside out...finally rendering me this past week into a big ball o'pain.

As a side note...meeting went really well.

Anyway...it dawned on me Tuesday as I was trying to have lunch with a friend and trying to keep said 1/2 sandwich managed to choke down...down...that this has happened before. It used to happen before I was flown out by a church for an interview. The whole week before I was sooooooo sick. MD said it was IBS caused by stress.

This is actually very good news. Know why? I'll tell you...this has not happened to me for THREE years (like to the week)!!!!!!!!!! It happened because I was NOT using ED behaviors! Okay...I'm not barfing a lung, but I am restricting...but that is mainly because eating food hurts...a lot! And my dieitian and I are wroking with the food thing.

Of course yesterday in session, Rob makes me laugh and that made it so bad...then I told him that and he continued to do some really stupid stuff that made me laugh even more. That man...

All in all, I haven't purged now for 2 months (oddly enough...I didn't do that during my last IP stay) and no SI for two weeks. My team is all "giddy" about it...I'm pretty reserved. I have been down this road before and those timeframes are nothing. They want to make a huge deal of it...I don't think it's that big a deal...not yet.

Admittedly...seeing Rob's jaw drop last week when I told him I had almost 2 months (heasks 2x a week...but I don't think the actual length awned on him) and hearing about his call to my dieitian made me feel pretty good and the fact that Toni said he is protective of me...well...it makes me feel safe...but then I feel all this internal presure that I don't wany to let him or Toni and even myself a bit my not being able to hang on to the time.

What it has done is given me a lot to think about as I got "gushed at" this week by the two of them. Naturally, how to keep it up and stuff...but how to turn this slight move forward into what is going to get me working harder in therapy and ready to go back into FT ministry.

That and having to explore the "fun" things in my life like maybe i shoudn't go back into FT ministry because as I look at the anxiety that lead to this IBS attack and the ones from three years ago...much of it comes from what me not getting/keeping the job says about me as a human being...not being able to separate who I am with what I do which has become who I am.

Augh!

Blogger Idol Week 5...PICTURE THIS

Okay, I keep thinking I should write something different than what I have been writing in this weekly "Blogger Idol," but it always comes back to, "write what you know." So, in the midst of all the hard work I am attempting to do in therapy...here we go...

Picture this...a room at the Disneyland Hotel bungalows. I am seven years old. My grandmother tied another one on, but we seem safe and snug in our room. It is late at night. My grandmother suddenly wakes up and no longer remembers where we are or why we are there.

Picture this...I am watching the Friday night "Creature Feature" on television. My grandfather is in the guest room sleeping. The phone rings. It is the police. My mom was driving while drunk...could we come get her...AGAIN!

Picture this...a little girl is awakened by shouts and screams and glass breaking. She leaves her warm bed and heads out into the "family room." Her mom and grandmother are throwing glasses and ask trays and plates against the wall for God only knows why... They let her help.

Picture this...A girl is spending the night next door. He mother and current boy friend left her alone in the house to go to Clear Lake. Other girls from the block spend the night. They do what all girls do...stay up at night and giggle. Talk turns serious in the semi-darkness. One of the girls is a Christian and begings to talk about God. Curiosity is piqued and the next day they all go to church.

Picture this...the girl knows how God healed her neighbor's family and wants that for heself...to take away the pain from her mother's two suicide attempts (to that date...more later), her molestation, her own thoughts of ending it...

Picture this...Girls gets tired of the fight...often. She sits in her office (now an adult) and wonders if she can keep going...she knows God is there...but even with Him by her side...the fatigue and sorrow seem too much to bear.

Picture this...two times a week the girl sits on the floor with her therapist and his trusty stuffed dog Frederick trying to make sense out of all of this. Not thy "whys," cuz she gets the whole "rain falls on the just and unjust" thing...but the why of why she seems incapable of seeing things from a different perspective...which she "should" because she is a child od God.

Picture this...TBA...picture still being formed!

Tee Hee...

You're Francis!


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Feelings...Nothing More Than...

BARF! That song is soooo sappy.

Anyway, that was the basic topic o' conversation today with Rob. First came the torte I made him. He ate a big piece, I abstained and then we got down to brass tacks.

We went over the email I sent him point by point and then he told me that when he thinks about me, that he doesn't think he really knows me. He knows what I tell him, issues, etc., but he says he can never get a real read on how I feel inside. I think that is a fair assessment at times.

That brought us back to the Blog. His main fear is that my tears, my feelings, etc. come out here and not with another human being. I go back and forth on that one. But, I did admit that the written word is a lot easier for me in the feelings arena.

Just a lot to ponder over the weekend.

Meeting Postponed...

Steve has to go to the dentist today so we can't meet. Then he asked if we could meet this afternoon. Nope...it's Rob Day! Then he emails me and asks about Tuesday. I emailed back and said that we won't be here Tuesday as the office is closed. So, we will meet Wednesday at 9 AM. One good thing about that is I can put more stuff into motion this weekend!

I went to Hollister...it's a mess, but has potential. I could work there PT and learn a new skill and see if my baked stuff sells if Murphy will give me that freedom. It will come down to $$$ much as I hate that. Michelle, the sorta manager, makes $5 less than I do now.

In other news...I made the Final Four for the Jr. High position I applied for. I need discernment and a lightning bolt from God! Ack! I don't know. I just don't know. I want a billboard pointing me in the right direction. But, I guesss I can only take this one step at a time.

Perspective...

I keep going over yesterday's session in my head as well as my upcoming meeting with my SP. As I said last night, I DO get this whole perspective thing and the emails and comments here I have received drive me to tears...but there is the part of me that won't allow it to sink in.

God knows and I know full well I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes and that I will until the day I die...whenever that is...BUT I don't know. Maybe it's that I am almost 34 1/2 years old and have accomplished NOTHING. That I start out with such great promise and it ends in "flames." I can have an event or lesson crash and burn and the sting is there...but not the overwhelming sense of failure that I feel right now.

Even in the midst of the positive stuff that is happening now with Children's Ministry (at least in my view)...I feel like if I don't keep the momentum up...I am out. I can "administrate" until the cows come home, but I am getting to teach this month and that is where I am seeing a glimpse of joy right now.

Sigh...

I think, no matter what happens, Children's Ministry will be left in good shape. Whether I am "justifiable" or not...the ball is rolling for good stuff and all the workshops through June are ordered.

Tonight is just one of those nights that I am sick and tired of fighting. I understand that what I see in my perspective...but I have all this evidence that backs up my perspective. I ended up cutting last Thursday and Rob is threatening to terminate me because of the ethics of it all if I don't stop. So much for never going to leave me.

I do feel like a failure...I fail him 2x a week, I'm failing in this job and am reminded in my house how much I fail in big and small ways.

Failure actually keeps me alive.

Blogger Idol Week 4...Oops!

Oops brings up a lot of things for me. In no particular order:

1. Oops! My mom and dad had sex before marriage and I was created and OOPS! I am a HUGE mistake. Had it been post Roe v. Wade, I proabbly wouldn't be sitting here blogging!

2. Oops! I am six and accidentally dropped my mom's gas credit card between the doors...that got me beat pretty good...in public no less!

3. Oops! I am four and just learned the word "boring," NOT the definition. I used it when my mom asked me how I enjoyed out beach trip. I got beat with a brush. Darn, guess I should have known what the word meant at that age.

4. Oops! I went outside to take games back to the Del's van. He molests me on the way back into the house. Oops! Shouldn't have trusted a family friend!

5. Oops! My mom tried to kill herself stating one reason was that she expected too much from me. I'm not perfect enough for her to live!

6. Oops! I tried to help a friend and she took my advice. On the way to the appointment she changed on said advice...she was almost killed in a car accident. She is now a paraplegic.

7. Oops! I went IP once for my eating disorder and failed...

8. Oops! I went IP again for my ED and failed again!

9. Oops! I try my best in my job and yet the SP is having troubly justifying my position.

10. Oops! I keep breathing!

I feel like I am one big Oops! I feel like I have a sign on me someplace that says, "Here comes one big OOPS!" I feel like I can never get away from being and/or causing an Oops!

It seems as if I go through each day trying not to cause a huge oops! But, there is so often...so very, very often that I feel like I will never NOT be an OOPS and wish that I didn't exist. Being an OOPS is very hard to deal with on a daily basis and I am tired of being an Oops...I just want it to stop!

The Latest & Greatest...

Met with my SP...he is saying he is having trouble justifying my position.

THAT brings up a ton of issues. So much so that in session today...I almost told Rob to go to you-know-where and it wasn't heaven! I have rarely told anyone that...I rarely think it. I suppose one of these days I'll tell him what i was thinking.

I Give In....

Okay...beginning next week, I will start again because I can't take not typing my little heart out!

Anyway, I am off to rewrite my goals for my meeting tomorrow with my SP!

What Classic Movie Are You?

I Have Visited 45% of the USA!!!

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...of my eating disorder

"Let's see...it says...what can I make her do today?" I am convinced that what the monster thinks as I get out of bed each morning. Unlike some people with eating disorders...I don't call mine "Ana" or "Mia" and being ED-NOS it doesn't have a "cutesy" name like the others. But, just like everyone else...it is very much like someone who is with you that you can't escape until you do its bidding. So, let's look at a day in the life of one of my worst days last spring.

March 28, 2003

A day not much different than any other day. The voice screming in my head to not eat or purge whatever I had decided to put in my body. But, I had laser tag that night with the high school group and I HAD to be upright and not dizzy for it.

So, after being "good" all day and keeping the monster at bay, I decided to do as my dieitican had asked and have a slice of pizza with my salad that night. I chose the smallest piece possible of a mushrrom and olive pizza and tried to enjoy it. But the doubt was settling in. How could I put THAT into my body. Ewwwwww.... No chance to get it out...too many people. If I am going to purge it is in the privacy of my own apartment. However, even that small piece of pizza has such "power" over me I was either really feeling nauseous or let ED take control. I thought I could be "normal" for just one evening.

The eating disorder was not going to let me get away with it though...

?You stupid bitch...you just had to have that piece of pizza...you couldn?t just stick with lettuce and cucumbers...no...you had to do it and now see how you feel. It?s not worth it is it? So, what are we going to do to take care of it? Skip food tomorrow? Go home and take the razor blade to your stomach again? You know that there is no way you stayed under 500 calories a day...how could you be so stupid. The weight you lost this week is going to be back tomorrow. Don?t pull any of that ?fluid shift? crap because it won?t be true. You are a fat pig and you just proved that tonight. No one who knows about you will actually call you fat to your face...but they all know you are and you are fixing that, but tonight you just blew it...you proved you have no self control and are destined to go through life a beached whale.?

Only way to shut it up is to not eat tomorrow...or stick to the carrots...because it?s true. So I proved I could do it...great...not worth the pain I am in right now and not worth the punishment I?ll give myself the next week. I don?t deserve food...I don?t...if I ever get the whale that is me to the gym I can hasten my disappearing act.

Feeling what bones I can feel right now is so I don?t know...comforting...reassuring me that I am disappearing...but I need to do more...they aren?t visible enough under all this fat.

So, I again give in to ED and push myself for the next several days and not eat...only consume water...the high of having that much "willpower" as those around me indulged in food give way to a feeling of superiority.

"See?" ED says. "Without me you are a pathetic excuse for a human being." You need me...you need me to keep you in line, to remind you of what you are and to eventually bring you the peace you want as I take your life on piece at a time. No sleep tonight and remember, you have a full day tomorrow!"