Emotions...

NYWC is over (for me) and for the second week it is back to the "grind." Actually, Sunday was a lot of fun. I helped on of my teachers with her class and I got to see what I pretty much already knew...Sara rocks! And, I got to see the 4th and 5th graders make part of a "movie trailer" about Isaiah and his prophesies regarding Jesus.

But, this also means that "play time" with Rob is over. This is not a bad thing...but I also know it's not an easy thing. All weekend I knew he was going to ask me to pick and area/issue and we'd start (again) there. The first thing I told him was that I knew he was going to say that and that I had been thinking about it. The problem was...I had no answer. So, I paused and thought about it and other than the lyrics of Chris Tomlin's "Unfailing Love" going through my head...the word "emotions" came up.

After almost three years of working with Rob it didn't totally surprise me to hear him say that was what he was also thinking. So this is the area we are going to dwell on and live with and struggle with, etc.

Here's the deal. Most of the time I have no clue what I am feeling. On top of that, I am afraid of feeling "negative" (I put that in quotes because emotions are neither good nor bad...they just are) emotions because I am afraid of losing control. In fact, a good 90% of the time I know what I "should" feel and so I react accordingly. I can and do feel something for another person. I can watch "Three Wishes," "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," or lately the news and tear up. I look at anything that could be painful for ME and I'm clueless.

We talked about the fact I am just days from being 13 months purge free and 10 days from being one year self-harm free. We also talked about how I have done a good job of cutting off my emotions at the first twinge of feeling anything because I don't want that to set me off. Rob thinks that is why I think I could turn back to the behaviors so easily...because I could get overwhelmed by feelings because I don't allow myself to feel them/deal with them.

Then I changed the subject to the 49er game. Okay, it was when we had about 5 minutes left and he laughed...but I guess I shouldn't have done that. So, I am to ponder all of this between now and Thursday and we'll jump in!

Yipes!