Today it has been one year since the last time I self-harmed...basically, the last time I cut because that has always been my method of self harming. As I walked out of Rob's office yesterday, I took a deep breath and thought about how this year's session (meaning from the session a year ago) was so different from what happened last year. Last year I was called defiant and Rob was really, really, really mad because I had been cutting for a week and didn't tell him. It almost cost me a wonderful therapist. It took him three weeks to decide to not put me on any type of contract and at the time I totally disagreed with him. I wanted that "threat" hanging over me. He said he didn't want the cutting to stop because of a contract. Rob said that one day I will walk out those doors and not come back and that means no more contract. That could mean I could go back to cutting. I told him by the time that happens I shouldn't NEED the contract anymore...but he said no. I guess I thought it would bring me a weird sort of safety...but I think I'm glad he never did it.
I broke two food rules this week. I will not eat the myriad of goodies that often come into our office. I generally have no problems with it and there is a long list of "consequences" that normally occur if I break food rules. Tuesday was Nancy's 81st b-day and we had coffee and a pastry type goodie. I didn't say no. My anxiety level went through the roof the whole time...but I did it and obviously didn't die.
The second rule was the next day. My Elder for Children's/Youth Ministry and I went to look at Bibles for the 4th graders. We chose one and got them. Cindy offered to take me to lunch so we went to Chili's. I have a general rule that when I am out like that, if what I order comes with fries, I get veggies instead of fries. Part of it is absolutely ED stuff...but I also LOVE broccoli! Anyway, I let it slide. This was a bad thing because I don't eat a lot of fat on a normal basis and the fries must have had more than I eat in a month because I was feeling really sick the rest of the day. But again, breaking the rule didn't kill me.
I have homework for the weekend. Rob rarely gives me homework...but he did. I am supposed to figure out why I feel anxious (and for someone who truly does not have a full range of emotions at the moment...this is HUGE...that I feel that and let myself do it) when I eat around other people. I hate it. I hate it at camp, I hate it at the office (Christmas lunch is TORTURE for me) and I even had a hard time when our team went out at NYWC. I know it's my issue and that I am just very self-conscious and I just need to allow myself to relax and enjoy the people and not sit there and try to calculate the calories of everything I put in my mouth.
As Rob and I were talking my the anxiety and how I dealt with breaking the rules (waiting hours and hours before allowing myself to eat again), he asked me if I could still cut over all of it. In the past, if I didn't purge I would cut instead...as long as I was physically punished I didn't care how. I think I surprised us both when I told him that no, I didn't think so. This coming from the person who could cut over something that happened WEEKS ago, let alone just a few days. So...progress.
As good as all this is...there is still a lot of work as far as emotions go as well as a few other issues. We both recognize that some of this milestone "stuff" has been pure will power from me and not always finding healthy coping mechanisms. I know I have the fear that as we delve into me allowing myself to FULLY experience anger, sadness and other not-so-fun emotions that I'll go back to a behavior. So, it will be a balance and possibly a lot of calls to Rob!
But, as I see some scars become fainter and others disappear completely...it is great incentive to NOT indulge myself in the familiar.
I broke two food rules this week. I will not eat the myriad of goodies that often come into our office. I generally have no problems with it and there is a long list of "consequences" that normally occur if I break food rules. Tuesday was Nancy's 81st b-day and we had coffee and a pastry type goodie. I didn't say no. My anxiety level went through the roof the whole time...but I did it and obviously didn't die.
The second rule was the next day. My Elder for Children's/Youth Ministry and I went to look at Bibles for the 4th graders. We chose one and got them. Cindy offered to take me to lunch so we went to Chili's. I have a general rule that when I am out like that, if what I order comes with fries, I get veggies instead of fries. Part of it is absolutely ED stuff...but I also LOVE broccoli! Anyway, I let it slide. This was a bad thing because I don't eat a lot of fat on a normal basis and the fries must have had more than I eat in a month because I was feeling really sick the rest of the day. But again, breaking the rule didn't kill me.
I have homework for the weekend. Rob rarely gives me homework...but he did. I am supposed to figure out why I feel anxious (and for someone who truly does not have a full range of emotions at the moment...this is HUGE...that I feel that and let myself do it) when I eat around other people. I hate it. I hate it at camp, I hate it at the office (Christmas lunch is TORTURE for me) and I even had a hard time when our team went out at NYWC. I know it's my issue and that I am just very self-conscious and I just need to allow myself to relax and enjoy the people and not sit there and try to calculate the calories of everything I put in my mouth.
As Rob and I were talking my the anxiety and how I dealt with breaking the rules (waiting hours and hours before allowing myself to eat again), he asked me if I could still cut over all of it. In the past, if I didn't purge I would cut instead...as long as I was physically punished I didn't care how. I think I surprised us both when I told him that no, I didn't think so. This coming from the person who could cut over something that happened WEEKS ago, let alone just a few days. So...progress.
As good as all this is...there is still a lot of work as far as emotions go as well as a few other issues. We both recognize that some of this milestone "stuff" has been pure will power from me and not always finding healthy coping mechanisms. I know I have the fear that as we delve into me allowing myself to FULLY experience anger, sadness and other not-so-fun emotions that I'll go back to a behavior. So, it will be a balance and possibly a lot of calls to Rob!
But, as I see some scars become fainter and others disappear completely...it is great incentive to NOT indulge myself in the familiar.
4 comments:
Hey Deneice - miss seeing you around. I'm hoping the YS forms open back up sometime soon. It seems like you have something to be proud of here! Best of luck as you continue to work through your other issues.
Our church is doing some sort of trunk-or-treat....don't know how that is gonna work out at all!
Take care,
Becky aka orange41
CONGRATS!!! You did it and you can make it to 2+ years!
Conga-rats to you! Many happy returns on the day!
I've been meaning to talk to you about your reaction to Rattay's departure. A sad day for Bay Area sports; but this comment is meant to reflect the joy and happiness I have for you reaching this milestone.
Good for you. I'm glad you have Rob to call if you need him. Keep up your good work.
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