I wish I were dead...or at least totally numb...I wish someone would just make it all stop. Why can't someone just shoot me??

Drowning...

Okay...not literally and not probably not at all...but if FEELS that way. I am so sick of that word. I am so sick of having feeling be this thing I am supposed to do and that it is supposed to be good. HA!

After last Thursday's session it was a truly hour by hour choice to not cut...to not let my outsides match what was going on inside. I finally just had to make the choice to block that all out so I could function and focus on what needed to be done in the next couple days.

Monday was hard with Rob. I had pretty much blocked out everything so I could function and not be an emotional wreck and my head was just there. I kept avoiding topics and did a bad job of it. But, Rob was really patient and just walked through it and let me sit in silence without asking me every 5 seconds what I was thinking.

It came down to what I am feeling is like a tsunami in my being. That, if allow myself to feel the hurt and pain (heck...it is hard enough to type that I feel it) that those feelings are going to overwhelm me and drown me. If I sit and allow myself I can feel them creeping up...almost like when you go to the beach and run up to the wave and let it hit your toes/feet and run back to dry ground. I can pretty much handle all that. But, then it all wells up and I feel like I am going to be drowned in the mass of feelings. Rob knows this and he talked about how it doesn't HAVE to be like that and it probably won't be...BUT, what if it is? What if the pent up feelings of years and years of "stuff" DOES overwhelm me? His office is the only safe place I have...but when time is up and I am still a mess...then what?

Guess I'll find out tomorrow!

I am okay today...but I feel the black closing in on me and that scares me as well. I am doing what I can to pull out of it...but there is always that part that wants me to simply give into it. I know better and am trying to not allow myself in indulge...but sleep is icky and that doesn't help. I love the CD A sent me a few months ago...but lately as I start to relax I get all panicky and have to turn it off because I am afraid of the panic. My mother has offered to let me get Ambien. However, I really don't want that in the house. I don't trust me enough.

Ugh...I feel like a broken record.

But...

Things are GREAT at work...for now...but I think for some time to come! I am pretty content and we'll see what God has in store.

Things other places...not so good. I mean I am doing OK...pretty well for the most part...but I am hitting painful places right now that I'd reather not be hitting and right now life just hurts...period.

I keep telling Rob...why rehash stuff that I can't change...that happened years ago. I guess the fact of how all that hurts me (and I have no safe place to release it...took most of the session with Rob to even admit it) answers the question. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think...I want to shut the memories off.

I told Rob that this just takes me back through my childhood and how much I did with OTHER people's families or my grandparents or another relative (my Auntie D and Uncle K)...not my mom.

I was lose to tears and he kept telling me it was OK...but then he gave me a Dobson quote which made me think of Ryan and when he comes into chat and that broke the moment.

He is concerned because I want to cut and what that might mean if I give into it. He is so proud of what I have accomplished but worried about where it could take me.

I feel overwhelmed by the emotional hurt and I am so afraid that is what is going to take me back to cutting. I think he'd be "ok" with it if it would just be once...but I told him I know I couldn't stop at that because once I get that release...I'll want more.

C, G and E before we head home! 

My cabin! My two and the two "independents" 

The kids I took to camp! G is the one with Sasha! 

I am trying to get out of "react" mode. I told Rob the story I posted about G and what she prayed...it was really hard to tell him because I felt like I was being all conceited and stuff about it. It was also hard because I started crying...but stopped it before it turned into real waterworks.

Today was another session of "I Never Realized How Much My Mom Was MIA." So much has flooded back over the weekend. I told Rob I didn't even think of the stuff before I my final 3 semesters of high school. It feels very overwhelming.

I fight myself though because part of me simply wants to say just suck it up and know that I still didn't have it as bad as so many others...and part of me just wants to cut and make the emotional pain go away. It is going to be a LONG couple days until Thursday and I see him again.

Okay...when I was at LIFE in 2003, I was supposed to keep a list of things I mastered each day or something positive that happened that day. Normally, I think it's a bunch of hooey...but after Thursday's session I have been in a "funk" and it has been noticed...RATS!

My camp name when I was there with my 4th graders was "Queenie," in honor of the thread on the forums started for me...and I am lousy at coming up with names on the spot! Anyway, it has kinda stuck and the girls (the two I took up) call me "Queenie."

This morning we were leaving Children's Church and G's mom (who leads it) and I were talking about how G and E still call me "Queenie." Then she told me last night when G was praying...she was thanking God that she would "get to see Queenie" tomorrow since I was away last week. G and I have a great relationship...but she's not a total cuddly kid apart from family and I am never quite sure where I stand with her. I guess I know now!

Feel Like a Fraud!

Of course, posting about it make me more a fraud because some people who read this know what I mean and I swear I am not writing it to hear..."that's not true!" But, in the wake of yesterday's session with Rob...things are a little close to the surface right now and I could probably cry at the drop of a hat if I allowed myself that "indulgence" and loss of control.

Anyway, there is a thread on a bulletin board I moderate where you say nice stuff about the person who posts before you. For a long time I hesitated posting. Not because I don't have nice things to say about people because I do...LOTS...but because I wanted to check my motivation. Am I doing it so people would have to say something nice about me? Am I doing it because I notice subtle stuff that means a lot to me and others may not see it? Am I doing it because I want people to tell me I am wonderful? Am I doing it to be the "good moderator?" Most of the time I honestly believe it is because I notice neat stuff about people or I want to make sure that people who have touched me deeply (that would be YOU my twin)know how much I love them.

Today, I sit here at my computer reading stuff about me as I have posted stuff about others. I keep thinking...other than one person (well...maybe 2)...no one really know me. They know me from posts or from being a "good" mod on days and a "bad" mod on others. They know me from coming here and reading...but I read some of the stuff and think to myself, "If y'all really and truly knew me you'd see what a screwed up fraud I really am." I mean look at my post from yesterday!!! What kind of person who has a passion for God (one of the things said) writes stuff like that? What kind of person who "has a heart way bigger than most people and treats people like Gold!!" says she is willing to throw everything away for a blade, a purge and hopefully heart stoppage?

I want to be all that. Not acting like that is who I am...but to actually be the person they think they see...they think they know. But, I don't know how.

Excuse Me While I Think Out Loud...

Just bear with me. Forget I am a Christian, forget all I want is to serve God to the best of my abilities and with the gifts and talents He has given me. Forget that I know what my strengths are in ministry and what drives some of them...not because I feel it has to be that way...but because this is the way God has wired me. Forget that I know what the Truth really is...even if I don't feel that Truth on a daily basis because it has been pointed out to me that knowing the Truth does not negate feeling something to be true nor does whole heartedly forgiving someone mean that things still don't hurt and keep one up nights.

I say this because what I want to say isn't "pretty," it isn't uplifting or very "Christian," or positive or any of that stuff. But, it is what I live with and what I am working on healing and where I need to make my choice:

It is hard to give up the ED and other self-destructive behaviors because by doing so I am giving up my "right" to die. It means I have to embrace life...learn to feel the "good" and "bad" and know that I will never be "good enough" and that is OK. Not sure I am ready for that...yet.

Today was one of the those sessions with Rob that seemed like it was going to go nowhere because of my reluctance to delve into stuff I feel I have said a million times and had to repeat again today...but I finally "got over myself" and dove in anyway.

I sit here and still won't allow the tears to come because if I do...I know I'd "lose it" and my mind is already 1/2 way to my room where "stuff" is waiting for me and where I could indulge and not even feel bad about it...until five minutes after I am done.

We went over time...but I really could use another session...things are way too raw right now.
It all comes down to me feeling like a drain and that goes back to my birth and messages that pointed and point in that direction. We talked about how me knowing what the truth about that is doesn't take away the hurt and the pain that is there...but I won't allow myself to feel.

I told Rob it was "dumb" stuff that hurt me. My mom missing my first day of school, my senior prom, most of my plays my senior year, etc. I think Rob forgets this stuff and/or I tell him stuff I thought he knew but didn't. The look on his face made me want to cry. He told me that as a parent, he could not imagine missing that stuff with his kids...including the stuff she has missed since I have been adult. I think hearing that what happened to me growing up is NOT NORMAL hurt me all over again. He talked about how I have turned that all on me...

I still feel like a drain. Okay, I PAY him...but I still feel like I am a drain on him, for sure on my family until I can be on my own again...ugh!!!!

Think, Think, Think....

First off...a big thanks to Mel and Tree as they listened to me babble about this on AIM today!

#1: I was thinking about this at camp over the weekend.

Doing all this back to back stuff is supposed be tiring...I mean...I guess it doesn't have to be...but many of the YS Forumites have talked about being tired after there are events like this all back to back so it's at least not out of the realm of possibility.

And yes, as I hit the 6th month mark of no purging (Thursday? Friday?? don't have the exact date down for that) and 5th month of no cutting (that, I know, is on the 21st)...I still don't get too excited...BUT...it dawned on me that two years ago I would have done all this stuff, worked full time, continued to get ready for Easter "stuff" AND claim that I had energy to burn...meanwhile on my rare Saturday off I wouldn't leave my apartment (when I had it) because I didn't have the energy/strength to leave or even go to the mailbox.

I know it's not that big a deal...but Toni is ALWAYS after me to try and find the little positive things...whether I think it's a big deal or not. And while I realy file this under the heading of "So what?" I'm sure she'll be happy about it tomorrow.

#2 I had a weird dream Sunday night. I won't go into the boring details, but I had a dream that Rob just kind of up and left. No warning, no nothing. I show up in an office that looks like his, the "idiot's" office in Indiana and I think Marc's office. Parts of it are hi and not his. I press the call button and the man who comes to get me is a combo of one of the guys who works at our Presbytery office, "the idiot" and I think Greg...or Rob....or Marc????

I am told Rob is either out of town or away or something and that he arranged for me to see this "person." As I looked around the office it was a combo of his office and some of the others' and it looked as if things were being packed up. None of the toys were around...the ones I have given him and the ones from others, no Frederick or the big bear in the corner...his stuff is no on the walls.

I woke up in tears and was surprised how real it felt and then how silly I felt hving that dream in the first place. When I got to Rob's yesterday I didn't want to talk about camp, or Kids Club or anything else...I WANTED to sit there and cry from relief and just stare at him to make sure he was real. I told him I had a dream and couldn't tell him what face to face...so I emailed it to him! I know...I am a wimp...but at least he knows one way or another.

Having told someone (Mel) and then emailing to him has made me feel a lot better. So much so I am making SPAGHETTI for dinner. Yes...the carb-o-phobe is making PASTA and garlic toast! Call the papers!!!

Okay, this may be because I am at about 50% of my goal for Toni and I figure this will help!

4th & 5th Grade Weekend Get Away

The weekend was awesome.

I am exhausted

Chad made a first time commitment to Christ and I feel very exceited about it because I know it had nothing to do with me...the kept the guys/girls pretty separate and so I hardly saw him all weekend!!!

The girls had a blast

I will try to post pix this week

This week is a ZOO and after tonight you may not see me much!

So, I am back to blogging, but don't have a lot to blog about! Not that life has been boring...it hasn't. But, most of what has been happening is being lived off my blog. A lot through Rob, the telephone and email...but somes things are better left to those areas of my life!

My dietitian is BACK from maternity leave and I get to see her today. This is causing no shortage of good feelings! I have missed her so much and need her to kick my backside. I did eat 2x yesterday...but today I feel so ooky that I need her to tell me that was OK and I need to do that all the time!

While some things have allegedly not been pointed at me, and while by and large I choose to believe most of that (and it IS a choice)...there is a deeper thing for me going on. Why did I allow it to hit me so personally, why did my emotions lead me to want to pull out the blade and cut and beyond the incident iteself...what did it touch in me? Leave it to Rob to help me see some of the other sides of this. Still processing some of that...but it also led back to the tears I began shedding last Thursday I quickly turned off because I felt I was losing "control." Okay, the very fact of shedding a tear, for me, is out of control...but WHY? So, I am thinking on that and feel overwhelmed by trying to figure it out. But, I have all day today and I see Rob tomorrow.

One thing I am trying to remember is that while certain things hapen that do push emotional buttons...I still have a choice on how I react to all that...in the long run and in the short run. Short run...it has made me sad and left feeling very hurt. In the long run? Others make their choices on how they are going to react and behave and that I cannot change...EVER.

As I was able to share some feelings the one thing that hit me was a couple months ago I would have given in and cut, I would have not let anyone know what I was feeling and I would have bent over backward to remain in the good graces of some. Actually, a MONTH ago I probably would have done that.
But, whart Rob and I did last week has made a shift in me that I can feel. Yes, still pretty much hate myself and if I died tomorrow I wouldn't complain...but being able to express to Rob the deeper stuff of all that...bringing some of it into the light has totally given me a "lighter feeling" in me.