Wednesday, March 02, 2005

So, I am back to blogging, but don't have a lot to blog about! Not that life has been hasn't. But, most of what has been happening is being lived off my blog. A lot through Rob, the telephone and email...but somes things are better left to those areas of my life!

My dietitian is BACK from maternity leave and I get to see her today. This is causing no shortage of good feelings! I have missed her so much and need her to kick my backside. I did eat 2x yesterday...but today I feel so ooky that I need her to tell me that was OK and I need to do that all the time!

While some things have allegedly not been pointed at me, and while by and large I choose to believe most of that (and it IS a choice)...there is a deeper thing for me going on. Why did I allow it to hit me so personally, why did my emotions lead me to want to pull out the blade and cut and beyond the incident iteself...what did it touch in me? Leave it to Rob to help me see some of the other sides of this. Still processing some of that...but it also led back to the tears I began shedding last Thursday I quickly turned off because I felt I was losing "control." Okay, the very fact of shedding a tear, for me, is out of control...but WHY? So, I am thinking on that and feel overwhelmed by trying to figure it out. But, I have all day today and I see Rob tomorrow.

One thing I am trying to remember is that while certain things hapen that do push emotional buttons...I still have a choice on how I react to all the long run and in the short run. Short has made me sad and left feeling very hurt. In the long run? Others make their choices on how they are going to react and behave and that I cannot change...EVER.

As I was able to share some feelings the one thing that hit me was a couple months ago I would have given in and cut, I would have not let anyone know what I was feeling and I would have bent over backward to remain in the good graces of some. Actually, a MONTH ago I probably would have done that.
But, whart Rob and I did last week has made a shift in me that I can feel. Yes, still pretty much hate myself and if I died tomorrow I wouldn't complain...but being able to express to Rob the deeper stuff of all that...bringing some of it into the light has totally given me a "lighter feeling" in me.

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