Thursday, March 24, 2005

Ugh...I feel like a broken record.


Things are GREAT at work...for now...but I think for some time to come! I am pretty content and we'll see what God has in store.

Things other places...not so good. I mean I am doing OK...pretty well for the most part...but I am hitting painful places right now that I'd reather not be hitting and right now life just hurts...period.

I keep telling Rob...why rehash stuff that I can't change...that happened years ago. I guess the fact of how all that hurts me (and I have no safe place to release it...took most of the session with Rob to even admit it) answers the question. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think...I want to shut the memories off.
I told Rob that this just takes me back through my childhood and how much I did with OTHER people's families or my grandparents or another relative (my Auntie D and Uncle K)...not my mom.
I was lose to tears and he kept telling me it was OK...but then he gave me a Dobson quote which made me think of Ryan and when he comes into chat and that broke the moment.
He is concerned because I want to cut and what that might mean if I give into it. He is so proud of what I have accomplished but worried about where it could take me.
I feel overwhelmed by the emotional hurt and I am so afraid that is what is going to take me back to cutting. I think he'd be "ok" with it if it would just be once...but I told him I know I couldn't stop at that because once I get that release...I'll want more.

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