Wednesday, March 30, 2005


Okay...not literally and not probably not at all...but if FEELS that way. I am so sick of that word. I am so sick of having feeling be this thing I am supposed to do and that it is supposed to be good. HA!

After last Thursday's session it was a truly hour by hour choice to not not let my outsides match what was going on inside. I finally just had to make the choice to block that all out so I could function and focus on what needed to be done in the next couple days.

Monday was hard with Rob. I had pretty much blocked out everything so I could function and not be an emotional wreck and my head was just there. I kept avoiding topics and did a bad job of it. But, Rob was really patient and just walked through it and let me sit in silence without asking me every 5 seconds what I was thinking.

It came down to what I am feeling is like a tsunami in my being. That, if allow myself to feel the hurt and pain ( is hard enough to type that I feel it) that those feelings are going to overwhelm me and drown me. If I sit and allow myself I can feel them creeping up...almost like when you go to the beach and run up to the wave and let it hit your toes/feet and run back to dry ground. I can pretty much handle all that. But, then it all wells up and I feel like I am going to be drowned in the mass of feelings. Rob knows this and he talked about how it doesn't HAVE to be like that and it probably won't be...BUT, what if it is? What if the pent up feelings of years and years of "stuff" DOES overwhelm me? His office is the only safe place I have...but when time is up and I am still a mess...then what?

Guess I'll find out tomorrow!

I am okay today...but I feel the black closing in on me and that scares me as well. I am doing what I can to pull out of it...but there is always that part that wants me to simply give into it. I know better and am trying to not allow myself in indulge...but sleep is icky and that doesn't help. I love the CD A sent me a few months ago...but lately as I start to relax I get all panicky and have to turn it off because I am afraid of the panic. My mother has offered to let me get Ambien. However, I really don't want that in the house. I don't trust me enough.

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