Friday, March 18, 2005

Feel Like a Fraud!

Of course, posting about it make me more a fraud because some people who read this know what I mean and I swear I am not writing it to hear..."that's not true!" But, in the wake of yesterday's session with Rob...things are a little close to the surface right now and I could probably cry at the drop of a hat if I allowed myself that "indulgence" and loss of control.

Anyway, there is a thread on a bulletin board I moderate where you say nice stuff about the person who posts before you. For a long time I hesitated posting. Not because I don't have nice things to say about people because I do...LOTS...but because I wanted to check my motivation. Am I doing it so people would have to say something nice about me? Am I doing it because I notice subtle stuff that means a lot to me and others may not see it? Am I doing it because I want people to tell me I am wonderful? Am I doing it to be the "good moderator?" Most of the time I honestly believe it is because I notice neat stuff about people or I want to make sure that people who have touched me deeply (that would be YOU my twin)know how much I love them.

Today, I sit here at my computer reading stuff about me as I have posted stuff about others. I keep thinking...other than one person (well...maybe 2) one really know me. They know me from posts or from being a "good" mod on days and a "bad" mod on others. They know me from coming here and reading...but I read some of the stuff and think to myself, "If y'all really and truly knew me you'd see what a screwed up fraud I really am." I mean look at my post from yesterday!!! What kind of person who has a passion for God (one of the things said) writes stuff like that? What kind of person who "has a heart way bigger than most people and treats people like Gold!!" says she is willing to throw everything away for a blade, a purge and hopefully heart stoppage?

I want to be all that. Not acting like that is who I am...but to actually be the person they think they see...they think they know. But, I don't know how.


PA said...

I hear what you are saying. I don't think I've ever met more than 1 or 2 forumites and it's pretty weird that a lot of them think they "know me."

Kind of weird the annonymity/relatioship that the net builds, eh?

Sonflowergurl said...

Or maybe, people get a feel for who you truly are, even though you don't know you're that person yet...maybe they're seeing you through the eyes of Christ and love you and see the great things about you even with all of the garbage living this life brings!!! I don't know you very well, but I know that even with your struggles, your heart's desire to follow God and minister to youth is very apparent! :)

Gman said...

Its not the comments nor you being a good mod but hopefully they see tha you are you. Which I know you have been and through the UPs and Downs of this journey - people still care

Cliff said...

I've always felt that when we refine ourselves down to our basic thoughts and feelings, and do it reasonably anonymously, then we are then and only then seeing our true selves.

The rest of the time we are on stage, doing what we THINK others want us to do, looking how we THINK others want us to look.

But we forget... they are also on their own stage, dancing their own dance with shoes that don't belong to them.

But here on the net, so many of us are brutally honest. I know I am and have always been. And I think others are too.