Thursday, March 17, 2005

Excuse Me While I Think Out Loud...

Just bear with me. Forget I am a Christian, forget all I want is to serve God to the best of my abilities and with the gifts and talents He has given me. Forget that I know what my strengths are in ministry and what drives some of them...not because I feel it has to be that way...but because this is the way God has wired me. Forget that I know what the Truth really is...even if I don't feel that Truth on a daily basis because it has been pointed out to me that knowing the Truth does not negate feeling something to be true nor does whole heartedly forgiving someone mean that things still don't hurt and keep one up nights.

I say this because what I want to say isn't "pretty," it isn't uplifting or very "Christian," or positive or any of that stuff. But, it is what I live with and what I am working on healing and where I need to make my choice:

It is hard to give up the ED and other self-destructive behaviors because by doing so I am giving up my "right" to die. It means I have to embrace life...learn to feel the "good" and "bad" and know that I will never be "good enough" and that is OK. Not sure I am ready for that...yet.

Today was one of the those sessions with Rob that seemed like it was going to go nowhere because of my reluctance to delve into stuff I feel I have said a million times and had to repeat again today...but I finally "got over myself" and dove in anyway.

I sit here and still won't allow the tears to come because if I do...I know I'd "lose it" and my mind is already 1/2 way to my room where "stuff" is waiting for me and where I could indulge and not even feel bad about it...until five minutes after I am done.

We went over time...but I really could use another session...things are way too raw right now.
It all comes down to me feeling like a drain and that goes back to my birth and messages that pointed and point in that direction. We talked about how me knowing what the truth about that is doesn't take away the hurt and the pain that is there...but I won't allow myself to feel.

I told Rob it was "dumb" stuff that hurt me. My mom missing my first day of school, my senior prom, most of my plays my senior year, etc. I think Rob forgets this stuff and/or I tell him stuff I thought he knew but didn't. The look on his face made me want to cry. He told me that as a parent, he could not imagine missing that stuff with his kids...including the stuff she has missed since I have been adult. I think hearing that what happened to me growing up is NOT NORMAL hurt me all over again. He talked about how I have turned that all on me...

I still feel like a drain. Okay, I PAY him...but I still feel like I am a drain on him, for sure on my family until I can be on my own again...ugh!!!!


Dreaming again said...

Sounds to me like you're working.

It's hard & painful to work. Don't give into the pain by 'induldging'. I'd miss you terribly! (I do miss you by the way!)

I don't think the things that have hurt you are minor, but I know what you mean. I've said the same things to L&L and they've informed me that the things I called 'minor' are not, in fact, minor, but major and life forming events.

I think, we both try to trivialize those things in a way to dismiss the amount of pain we really feel. In a way, if we trivialize the pain, then it doesn't give us the right to hurt, and after all, we don't give ourselves the right to feel this pain, do we?

I love you girl!
I miss you too. Talk to you later!

Cliff said...

Those things don't sound minor to me either. If it hurts, and it hurts that bad, it isn't minor.

I can remember my own life events, remarks made to me, things others did, that hurt me as well. Over the last few months I've been writing about those things, trying to purge them, get past them. Sure, some of my stuff was even before you were born, but it still hurts.

At moments like those, when we are in pain and our hearts hurt, I think that's when God loves us the most.